Dating from the wound: do you date proactively or reactively?

Pay attention to the differences between dating proactively and reactively.

Reactive dating is when we date from the wound.

Proactive dating is when we date from self awareness about our wounding but also our joy and our needs.

Reactive dating can be insidious in that it sabotages us in ways we don't realize. When you date someone, do you over rely on how your exes treated you to determine whether someone is a match or do you let your intuition note the patterns it notes, while evaluating the person in front of you on their own merits and letting them unfold as they are, so you can vet them accordingly.

For example, a lot of reactive dating can look like nobody will ever hurt me like my ex did (which is a great goal by itself if we are not setting up a stranger to prove themselves against a person from your past they have nothing to do with), which causes folks to have an overly guarded stance.

This is very natural. It's why I recommend taking the time to heal and recover after a break up, so you don't date from the wound soon after and have the time to regain self-trust and recalibrate your boundaries from that place of self trust.

We have to learn from our past and evaluate potential dates in the present, based on their actions, values, words and patterns. If you notice factual similarities with your exes (like a pattern of being critical or inconsistent in communication with long silences and disinterested wyd texts), then act on that information without ignoring or downplaying it.

What gets folks in trouble is when we put a lot of attention on anticipating hurts that aren't happening in real time.

When we date reactively, we make ineffective use of our imagination. It is unhelpful to fill gaps with negative predictions, and it is unhelpful to fill gaps with fantasy and unearned significance.

The second key form I notice in reactive dating is when folks decide a new person is a great match because their ex or their caregivers showed no affection, but the new person is warm, affectionate and loving, so he must be the one or, is at least, to be prioritized in early dating.

The next thing we know we are falling into familiar patterns of people pleasing to ensure we will be seen as worthy of continued attention.

For folks with abusive pasts, warmth and closeness in early dating can be confusing and entrancing at once. It's very important to stay grounded and pace ourselves.

See, you need to evaluate this person on the whole and not get carried away because one trait of his fills a void left by past relationships and childhood experiences.

That affectionate warm guy, for example, may have toxic traits that you are at risk of downplaying or ignoring, if you selectively focus on things that make you feel warm and attached especially in early dating when we are already susceptible to fantasy and intensity.

Yes it's good to know we want warm and affectionate partners, but it's also important to evaluate folks as complex humans and not isolate specific characteristics that confirm how we would like things to be.

Also remember emotional availability is about healthy vulnerability, equitable power sharing and transparency. Warmth without honest intent is just seduction and the breeding ground of traumatic bonding.

Work with reality, not potential, catastrophising or fantasy, and it will do wonders for your dating and relationships.

So, bare facts or bare witnessing as we say in Buddhism can help you avoid these reactive dating pitfalls.

The third form reactive dating takes is when we avoid vulnerability by creating excessive distance, because we may have been really into someone, and the person left us suddenly or we struggle with vulnerability and don't like to appear needy.

A lot of dating coaching makes this worse by making women obsess about chasing, when chasing a disinterested party or forcing intimacy prematurely is much more a problem with men.

To date proactively, we need to develop a greater sense of security in ourselves and believe our worthiness isn't dependent on romantic rejection or approval.

I know this is easier said than done, which is why I have custom material on this for my coaching clients.

One big tip I will share is rejection resilience in dating is also about respecting consent, that folks get to leave us for any reason, and we get to do the same.

Do you sense the personal power in saying they revoked consent to being with me, and it's crushing, but I will find it in me to respect it and, most importantly myself? and I will accept all the support and care I need to heal?

We also get to grieve our losses and dreams, then choose to move in nourishing directions and be with folks who consistently, enthusiastically and actively commit to us and their own well being.

And this requires we share the risk of being seen for all the needs, wants and desires, gradually, that make us feel raw and vulnerable.

Reactive dating will have us stuck in patterns of avoidance or withholding or people pleasing to avoid abandonment or rejection.

This is why we work on healing past wounding, so we date proactively from self awareness and self compassion as opposed to reactively from the wound.

And it helps to remember that avoiding vulnerability may protect us from rejection for a time, but it will also result in the emotional disengagement that ends more relationships than does infidelity. And this is if we enter relationships to begin with.

So I want us all to grow and be supported to the point where we can embrace our vulnerability and see it for the gift it is. I want to see women and femmes finding pleasure in love and the path that leads us to it, really honouring the courage it takes to heal, love and love again.