Criticism and escalating conflict in relationships: What to try instead

Distinguishing criticism from constructive compassionate feedback in relationships (not just romantic ones) and dating, learning the difference between control and boundary setting as well as how to maintain boundaries skillfully can make or break your relationships, marriages, social relations and even professional life.

Here's an exploration of the same and which approaches to take:

1. Criticism subtly or directly attacks a person's character, values or value /worthiness as an individual.

Constructive feedback focuses on specific behaviours, actions and words, opening up room for solutions, possibility and positive change. It helps to be clear that the feedback is not an indictment on an individual's personal character or worthiness. Sharing a complaint also focuses on specifics.

For example, when I was diagnosed with an expensive chronic illness years back, a friend criticized me for panicking and being despairing to the degree I was.

They thought this was constructive feedback on how I could more resilience, without realizing judging and criticizing my response to a devastating illness didn't just dishonour my humanity as a chronically ill person but also indirectly disparaged my character as immature, overreacting or incapable of handling crisis.

Constructive feedback may have looked like, "I feel deeply for the turmoil you're going through, and I want to be here for you. But your overwhelm and pain, as valid as they are, are affecting my own well being, and I don't want this to hurt you inadvertently either. I would like to take a break from these conversations, so I can take care of myself."

That's constructive feedback and a healthy boundary.

Healthy boundary setting and maintenance (you've got to follow up; this is key) is about your own needs, values, priorities, safety and well being.

So it helps to reflect on whether you could be using boundaries to manage your own fear, shame or need for control in the face of challenging circumstances in unskillful ways or are trying to identify, communicate and sustain boundaries in ways that allow for safety and connection both.

Unhealthy control or even self-righteousness aimed at guarding our own comfort zone or avoid accounting for the changing needs of others is not constructive feedback or effective boundary setting, because that boundaries are not about us managing or directing the emotions, thoughts and experiences of others .

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2. Criticism is nonconsensual.

Nobody consents to being disparaged, made to feel fundamentally bad as an individual, treated as less than and undeserving of respect and compassion, even if the tone is soft or the words used follow "I feel" or "I think...." scripts.

This is important, because sometimes folks do use prescribed scripts right out of Couples Communication handbooks, but what they are really saying is boundary crossing and not focused on repair, reconnection and resolution.

Using I feel language and sharing less about your internal, somatic, feelings, sensations based experience and specific facts of a situation and more to analyze the other person or make assumptions about their intent or trauma is also a form of criticism.

For example, "I feel like you don't care for me" or "I feel like you don't care for me, because your mother was neglectful and you didn't learn to...." is not constructive feedback.

It is non-specific, doesn't name a specific incident and its impact on you personally, violates external boundaries by having you moving into your partner's emotional space, assuming, analyzing, prodding and nonconsensually analyzing their trauma, in an, even if unintentional, critical patronizing way.

So it's very important to be intentional about our communication and get very clear on the relationship between boundaries, consent and connection vs. violation and disconnection.

Far too many of us think criticism, whether harsh or softly expressed, which in itself comes from a place of shame, and at times trauma, is how you set boundaries or communicate needs.

Going harder than needed or misusing psychological concepts or being mindful of tone but not intent and the content of our words, our non verbal communication is not the way to practice an ethic of care and respect in relationships, even though practicing this ethic is difficult when we are hurt and disappointed.

The cost of criticism and even contempt as well as boundary lapses is high however, for the relationship and our individual health and well being.

This is also why I do a lot of work with honouring our healthy fight response and working with forms of anger that stem from trauma or long term unmet needs, releasing it somatically and finding the tools and resources to harness, transform and redirect it in boundaried, compassionate ways that keep us protected and connected with our partners.

Also, I believe in and support honest, transparent, straightforward communication but much of the "tough love" paradigm is toxicity being passed off as love or guidance.

Just like it doesn't work on younger folks, it doesn't work on grown ups and does more harm and zero good.

Again, honesty doesn't have to be gentle or soft. But it does need to be intentional, fundamentally compassionate and valuing of the humanity and inherent worthiness of others.

- Jay Asooli

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3. When feeling criticism is the best way to get our needs met, remember that it doesn't come from a place of deep regard, vulnerability about your own needs, concerns, fears and priorities (although you may be feeling vulnerable as you dish it out) and compassion (often not even to yourself).

Constructive feedback holds compassion for you and the other person, prioritizes your needs without invalidating another person's, and holds your own and their humanity in deep regard.

Criticism is one of the 4 key communication styles (besides defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling) which predict the end of relationships, including marriages.

It's also one of the most common destructive patterns (towards self and others) I see in my field.

It's why I emphasize that self-compassion, healing shame wounds and holding ourselves in deep regard while also respecting the innate worthiness of others is one of the biggest antidotes to criticism and other patterns like defensiveness that will, unless corrected and healed, painfully impact relationships, friendships, familial bonds as well as disrupt ethical leadership and performance at work.

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Here's what you can try instead:

1. Try a gentle start up, as the Gottmans describe, where you express a need positively and without blame. Use "I" statements and express your needs, concerns and wishes, instead of framing the other parties mistakes as character flaws.

Eg: You always forget to recycle. Do you even care?

Try this instead: The bottles/cardboard (whatever it is) needs to go for recycling. I'd like this to be done tonight so the kitchen is clean and uncluttered.

If you're having to remind too often (feigned incompetence is a thing men do and women/nonmen are not obligated to turn a blind eye to it), you can say: "I have reminded you a few times about the recycling, and it hurts for a simple request to go repeatedly unheard. I'd like this to be taken care of tonight. If it isn't, I will need to leave it as it is until there is follow through on your end".

If clear, firm, compassionately stated boundaries are not being honoured, the relationship is running on fumes and needs professional guidance.

2. Be aware of a) the emotions you are feeling b)what you need from your partner/the other person in the situation.

Lead with your needs, your concerns, your underlying values and dreams, what resolution would mean to you instead of criticism.

Communicate by sharing this, instead of criticism, using always/never statements and subtle or direct character based blaming that inevitably shames people, making them feel rejected, insignificant and unworthy.

3. Be compassionate to yourself, and don't invalidate or de-prioritize your needs, hurt, feeling and expectations.

Avoid waiting until you're angry or resentful to ask for what you need, which is when not just criticism, but defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling are all more likely to show up.

Always set boundaries as early as possible.

You don't have to suffer to earn the right to share your needs and boundaries.

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Compassionate effective boundaries that center integrity, connection and timely repair (disconnection, high stakes conflict) is one of my specialties, as is healthy trust and the healing of intimacy wounds, by taking systemic factors like racism, queerphobia, fatphobia, sexism into account.

My clients include award-winning mediators, psychotherapists, socially impactful entrepreneurs, healthcare professionals, actors, award-winning journalists and other deeply ethical individuals prioritizing their growth, healing, pleasure and setting the foundations for long term relationship fulfillment using my fully research based, anti-oppressive, trauma informed coaching methodologies.

This work is also crucial to recovering from professional and relational (a lot of women/nonmen are burnt out from doing all this emotional and/or domestic labour) burnout.

I'd encourage you to contact me for a zero pressure chat, if you want to explore how I might be able to support you in bringing your visions of love, peace, groundedness, healing and pleasure to life, long term, for years to come, and that's the goal with which my coaching is designed.