How to navigate the patriarchal “skills GAp” between men and women/nonmen in relationships

A common question women/nonmen ask me is about being further ahead in relational skills and not knowing how long to wait for a partner (often a man) to catch up. I am also asked this query about household labour.

How long do you wait on a partner who is emotionally inaccessible and unresponsive to your needs, does not prioritize the relationship or your well being, whose conflict repair skills are just about nonexistent?

How long do you wait on a partner who consistently falls short of equitably sharing in household labour and in the mental as well as emotional load involved in the same?

For example, how many women/nonmen solely handle the planning, logistics, prepping for tasks, organizing multiple moving pieces such as managing childcare or pet care and elder care with grocery shopping and doctor’s appointments, and also the emotional labour of making sure the family’s need for connection, attentiveness and care were being tended to as well.

When women/nonmen bear disproportionate responsibility for these tasks, which is compounded by the stress of being fully aware how unfair the situation is with little room for repair, it becomes increasingly unsafe to remain in this cycle of chronic stress. Add to this the exhaustion from having to remind, plead and single-handedly create systems (such as women making to-do lists for male partners) for the convenience of the privileged partner, all of this has a direct impact on women/nonmen’s health.

Unequal househould labour results in higher rates of depression, anxiety and even higher blood pressure levels for women/nonmen. These outcomes are worse in the case of low income women/nonmen who are unable to delegate household responsibilities by hiring domestic assistance.

Now, what's happening is many folks are placing their basic needs for attunement, security, equitable labour distribution and even minimal conflict repair on hold, while they are betting on potential and waiting for a partner, on the more privileged side of the dynamic, to grow and begin to meet these fundamental non-negotiable needs.

You need to ask yourself if the areas in which growth is required are rooted in safety, health and well being, like equitable household and emotional labour distribution, financial safety as well as being free of emotional and psychological threats such as gaslighting, verbal abuse, isolation, unbridled aggression, contempt and coercion.

Needless to say, any threats to your physical, emotional, psychological and financial safety such as coercion, isolation, contempt and gaslighting require the end of the relationship. This requires your safety be kept front and center, with appropriate clinical, mental health and communal supports in place.

You also need to ask yourself if areas of growth are related to secure functioning (attunement, conflict repair, emotional availability, safe trigger navigation, sharing their own needs and being open to meeting yours reciprocally, equitably sharing power through transparency on their motivations and intent, to name key factors) that need to be met short and long term.

Or

Are you referring to more generalized concerns where waiting longer doesn't jeopardize your well being or the secure functioning of the relationship, for example a partner whose ideas of tidiness differ from yours but is making sure you are not doing disproportionate work and is stepping up consistently or a partner who is more sociable whereas the other prefers more time alone?

If so, working on these with clear and mutual agreements in place about what improvement would look like to you and within what time frames you’d like to see positive changes consistently could make sense.

And in the case of problems involving deeper differences in values, priorities and needs, such as how you raise and educate your children (traditional vs. home schooling as well as parenting styles), navigate conflict with the in-laws, and work with desire discrepancies, are you clear on what your non-negotiables are, so you are not compromising in self-abandoning ways?

It’s going to be important here for you and your partner to find out what the middle ground might be.

You will then observe if you two are committed to open-hearted communication about the deeply held dreams, hopes, fears and beliefs behind your preferences, and if your partner accepts your influence and arrives at solutions that honour your individual needs and values, plus the values and visions you both hold for the relationship.

It’s why I always recommend folks assess for compatibility in these visions (stating them isn’t enough, so you’ll be checking for follow through) before entering a relationship. It’s very important to know if your partner values anti-patriarchal relating and a relatonship where your needs, values and priorities matter.

However, if you are planning on waiting for your basic security and attunement needs to be met, you need to be aware of the caveats below.

Before we get to that, know your physical, financial and emotional safety needs shouldn't be postponed ever, like if a partner acts harmfully in conflict, is physically and/or emotionally violent, refuses to equitably share in household labour, I would firmly advocate leaving that connection as it constitutes abuse.

Now since I don't think it's healthy or fair for a more marginalized partner to do the bulk of the emotional and growth oriented labour, I have named the following caveats to help you decide what to look for when deciding whether to wait or leave:

1) Is the other person catching up on a skill because they are intrinsically motivated or just to keep the relationship even though that particular skill building doesn't align with their own values and priorities?

2) What level of effort is the person putting into learning these skills and by what metrics are you evaluating their improvement, specifically?

By that I mean, are you both clear on what improvement would look like, so you know your baseline and don’t settle for less? Do you know your non-negotiables and are prepared to firmly stand by them, even at risk of rejection?

3) What is the time frame involved because folks are out there putting their basic needs for connection, effective conflict repair and attunement on hold for several months to years on end, and I don't recommend that.

It's often a demoralizing losing game, particularly if you are a multiply marginalized nonman.

There is a lot of complexity to a skills gap in a relationship and associated power dynamics, which I have attempted to articulate in this post.

4) Which boundaries are in place to ensure you are not putting yourself in the coach or therapist role instead of having the space, accountability and leeway to be a partner because you aren't doing folks' work for them via control, overgiving/fixing and not allowing them to take full ownership of the tasks they need to do by pitching in with prep-work or help?

You also need to observe if the other person is actively doing their own learning with your *feedback*, not your exhaustive coaching/training/assistance.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

If you are interested in learning more about my trauma sensitive, highly regarded, private Dating and Relationship coaching, so you can confidently date and co-create your most secure, fulfilling, abundant relationships without delay, I would love to hear from you and have a zero pressure zero obligation chat.

If you would like to release cycles of chronic unmet needs, escalating conflict, and relationships that drain you of energy, vitality and precious years lost to turmoil and exhaustion, Asooli coaching is for you.

If you want the support to intentionally and easefully center your pleasure, fulfillment and relational joy, whether you are dating or partnered, so your relationships are built on the life changing foundations of shame resilience, healthy trust, equitable power sharing and lushly vulnerable, fulfilling intimacy, I would love to customize a private 1:1 fully dedicated coaching program to help you achieve just that long term. :)

Book a no pressure breakthrough call to explore how I might be able to help you best using my trauma sensitive, empirically grounded, anti-patriarchal coaching.