Gentle trauma sensitive practices for “letting go” after heartbreak/loss/unexpected change

I am sharing something I had written about "letting go" not too long back. It's very apt as I navigate letting go and move through suffering with more self-compassion in my own life, as well.

This is for you if you are experiencing or considering breakups/divorce, leaving a career/community/even hobby behind and struggling to move in a new /different direction.

For folks who've lost a lot in life, dealt with a lot of trauma, had things (and lives) taken from them, the idea of "releasing" and "letting go" can be challenging.

A lot of times when relationships end or in transitionary phases or new ones begin, we find ourselves having difficulty letting go of our past, our ways of thinking and the ways in which we put up walls to protect ourselves or put up none where some distance may have been warranted.

Instead of seeing "letting go" as losing yet another relationship, friendship, person, something of value (say you're decluttering your place), see if you can see this release as the following:

1) Letting in things as they are.

By this I mean, letting in, eventually welcoming in, the thoughts, feelings and sensations you are experiencing, a little at a time. This is the foundation of embodiment.

Witnessing what is, bit by bit.

I never tell clients to just feel feelings, no matter how big they are. Feeling feelings requires resourcing and skill.

Anything that throws us right outside what our nervous system can tolerate isn't going to make things more bearable or less daunting for us.

You only need to begin with dipping your toe in the feeling, witness the sensations that accompany it and the thoughts. And then turn towards something that nourishes us.

We don't have to gulp down a whole ocean of grief.

We can take small sips, breaking down a moment into its constituent parts (T/F/S as described above) and then turn towards rest and nourishment.

When you're up for it, return intentionally to the feeling again, a few seconds to a few minutes at a time, and repeat above process.

As we turn towards rest and nourishment, the pain/grief/anxiety doesn't disappear.

We are, however, able to dial down its overwhelming intensity and bring some soothing to our nervous system (remember compassion is physiological).

So when you feel the pressure to let go soon after a break up or make a decision about a relationship, how about you look at it as "I m letting things just be as they are and bearing witness. That's all I need to do, in this moment, little by little."

You just have to let in what's arising, cresting and falling away.

Often we make "letting go" a goal, an action to be completed now or asap.

Letting go is nothing but acceptance.

It's finding spaces within our grief, our anger, our loss, our confusion, where we stop fighting reality and witness it unfold, within us and around us.

Even with emotionally charged decluttering, one of my favourite things is saying, "I am not sure about you, yet. Stay. I'll come back to you".

When something's a clear yes, I keep it. When it's a clear no, I respect that and set it aside for release.

When I am unsure, it's usually because there are memories, interpretations, narratives attached to it (be it a relationship, job or even object) that need more of my attention and sometimes practical ground realities that need more tending, planning and support.

So creating space there to return to challenging emotions, thoughts, sensations, in the context of heartbreak or release, helps you approach it with a clearer mind, and it takes away a lot of the emotional charge.

See if that works for you, in different settings, creating some space and returning when feeling more centered.

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2) When we say goodbye to one phase or dream or person (or they say goodbye to us), we're also, again, letting another dream, place, phase, stage, person(s) enter our lives.

When you say goodbye to one thing, what can you say hello to instead or be curious about greeting at some point?

For me, pivoting into online coaching was a goodbye to what I was used to and loved doing in the specific ways I did, but after some time, I realized I was ready to greet new people (like you folks), new ways of showing up in this world (online visibility) and new skills to add to my repertoire.

At the end of a long term relationship, when I asked myself what I could greet right now and what I might want to greet eventually, I heard right now all I can greet is anger about how I was treated. So, I said, "come on in" to the anger. I learned how to somatically release that anger, how to set internal boundaries with my anger so it wasn't hurting me or folks around me and really working with my healthy fight response to propel me in the direction I wanted to go.

I then asked myself what would you like to eventually greet? The answer was a partner who prefers my voice, fire and warmth to my absence or erasure.

That was healing, and it helped me step into a vision for the future, so I wasn't completely stuck in the realm of grief. Then I took the time to really envision being with a partner like that and soak in how good it felt in my body.

It heals the nervous system to sit with and soak in the sensations, memories and even visions of positive experiences you have had or would like to have, even for 10-15 seconds at a time.

Try this when you're going through big changes, including starting to date or starting a new job.

What are you ready to greet? What are you not ready to greet but want to? How does it feel in your body? How can you turn towards the experiences you do want to have and cultivate them intentionally?

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3) What can you safely release, in tiny parts, to familiarize yourself with releasing in a way that isn't triggering or painful?

No pressure on releasing an entire relationship or career, or making a decision on it, in one go.

Is there a old mail lying around you read through or can let go, without experiencing much emotional charge?

Is there an email sitting in your drafts you want to edit and send or just delete?

What small things can you bless and release?

And when you're ready, see what you can offer the earth to hold.

When you feel like you can't hold anymore grief or anguish, it can help to externalize it, such as through movement, expression, art, conversation, even drawing and journaling (using the thoughts/feelings/sensations break down moment to moment instead of the usual free writes we tend to do, as a change of pace and experiment) so you can...

1) experience it from a safer distance

2) notice how the grief is a part of you and a changing, rising, cresting, falling transitory experience you are witness to NOT the entirety of my being.

After that, if I am trying this, it's usually a drawing or physical representation, so I bury it in the lawn. Or I put it away in a small box.

You can use moments like these as pleasure or relaxation points, to then do something comforting, connecting (with your journal or your art or with a friend or posting on a group etc.) and relaxing.

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