How to create your most compassionate, loving, shame resilient relationships

Key Asooli Coaching tips on self-compassion, healing shame, navigating conflict and creating shame resilient trauma sensitive relationships:

1) Take self-compassion breaks, where you acknowledge you're suffering/in need of ease/feeling self-critical. Placing a hand on your chest, and just saying "I know this hurts" and breathing slower (not long deep breaths, just an extra sip or two of breath when you inhale and releasing slowly) can be grounding.

Offer yourself a metta prayer/blessing, such as "May I be at ease. May I be from suffering (if that feels hard say May all beings be free from suffering). May I be safe."

And finally, ask yourself, what it is you need.

Under intense feelings of shame, self-criticism and even guilt (not the same as shame which is about our whole selves being flawed/defective rather than our actions being wrong or needing work), there are needs, soft beautiful needs.

Let yourself, bit by bit, tune into what you need, just in that moment. Maybe you need some water. Maybe you need some connection or a nap. Let your body speak to you, and hold that need with compassion.

2) Choose the nourishing opposite, as Deirdre Fay puts it, to what isn't working for you.

If I had stopped asking for more time and attention, I started stating expectations and setting up minimum standards for communication that needed to be met. I didn't compromise on this.

If I found myself doing all the work to sustain the relationship, I stepped back and did less, choosing ease instead.

3) Intentionally create a pleasure base within yourself which is to say do things that give you pleasure more often and got reacquainted with how that feels in your body.

Once I started to build up my awareness of what brought me satisfaction, calm and joy and journal what sensations, feelings and thoughts came up as a result, I found my tolerance of neglect and other yellow or red flag behaviour decreased.

Finding a fulfilling point of contrast helped me see what I was missing.

4) Take intuitive hits into account and sit with them, with their discomfort. See them as crucial information, instead of ignoring them because it gives you a sense of relief briefly. Remind yourself of the times ignoring your intuition was costly.

5) Slowly, increase your tolerance for conflict, by going into it after having practiced boundary setting in lower stakes situations and with loved ones, coaches and therapists.

In therapy and with a trauma sensitive coach, understand the reasons for your struggles with boundary setting.

Reflect on this:

What is it that you fear losing by setting boundaries?

What is it that you fear about setting boundaries?

What do you stand to lose if you set boundaries?

What do you stand to gain, if you do?

(Feel free to share in the comments below, as well)

Initially, having a boundary setting toolkit of phrases that you can use when receiving pushback can help. Sometimes it's as simple as repeating your boundary, without explaining it.

Sometimes, we need to walk away if the other party isn't open to your concerns. It doesn't mean you can't return to it later, or do what it is you need to do for your well being, even if they are uncomfortable with it or push back.

It can also help to have a supportive party be present with you or be able to check in with them before and after a challenging talk.

I also had spiritual allies that I imagined were present with me through challenging conversations.

6) Learn how to avoid responding with criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling and contempt and how to respond to these, with skill, self-compassion and self-assertion.

For example, learn to express positive needs and complain by sharing your needs instead of attacking, demeaning, criticizing or patronizing.

A helpful statement can be: When X happened, I felt Y, and I need Z.

So, for example, "When you said I was overreacting about upcoming bloodwork results, I felt ashamed and sad. I need compassion, understanding and respect from you at such vulnerable times. I’d like to receive an apology for the judgmental comments and would like words of comfort validating my concerns. In future, I want you listen to my worries with an open mind and without judgment".

With my partners, I may say something like, "I want comfort and attentive listening right now. I am feeling invalidated, and it doesn't feel good."

OR

Please don't undermine my concern for my health. I need support, comfort and reassurance right now.

If someone raises their voice, you could say, "Lower your voice, please. I cannot continue this conversation if you are yelling". If you are close to them, you could share how it makes you feel when they raise their voice. You may also set a boundary about not accepting raised voices in your relationships.

When feeling defensive, it can help to ask for a rephrase.

For example, "When you said X, I felt defensive and hurt. Could you rephrase that so I can understand your perspective and so we can better discuss how to meet both our needs?"

In your boundaries toolkit, you will also have self-soothing and grounding practices. There's a lot of talk about co-regulation in healthy relationships, and we should be talking about that.

But both (or more) partners are also responsible for self-regulating before, during and after conflict, which also promotes repair.

What soothes you and grounds you?

Is it holding a weight crystal or naming the objects around you or grounding through an ujjayi breath practice or simply feeling your feet touching the ground and visualizing a connection with the earth.

Add this to your toolkit.

Also remember to appreciate your partner(s) for any small acts of kindness and understanding they perform throughout the day, more so after navigating conflict.

7) Be aware not to trigger partners on purpose, and if you unknowingly trigger them, respond with compassion and understanding. It's also important to discuss triggers beforehand and have relationship agreements in place that honour the safety and well being of both(+) partners when one/both(+) parties are triggered.

It can help to consult your therapists on this.

Do you have a sign or word that can express you /your partner are triggered and need support with feeling safe and grounded?

It is okay and sometimes necessary to take a break. Pause the discussion.

Clearly state you'd like a break, because you're feeling triggered or overwhelmed or taking things personally, and want to get back to the conversation when you're feeling more centered. After the break (20-30 minutes, to a few hours, ideally no more than 24 hours), initiate the conversation yourself if you had asked for pause and continue.

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I am also still accepting clients in the early stages of relationships or commitment (less than 1 year of being together) or recent engagement or marriage, who are looking for real solid trauma sensitive skill building and coaching, so you are actually setting yourself and your relationship up for long term success, in terms of joy, fulfillment, growth and intimacy, not just longevity.

Contact me for details if you are interested.