compatibility is essential relationship maintenance not simply a checklist: An awakening for singles and couples
If you struggle with experiencing compatible, loving relationships because you feel you can't seem to find your best fit partners, this piece on compatibility, trust and boundaries will show you exactly how to experience your most fulfilling, resilient relationships.
It's also relevant for my partnered/married folks who are wondering if they are fundamentally incompatible or if there is any basis and space for mutual growth, fulfillment and enduring joy.
While I coach folks on evaluating potential partners on compatibility, because there are many things from romantic/sexual charge to infatuation to familiarity to difference (the idea of opposites attract), that can be mistaken for it, I do also emphasize that compatibility isn't just a metric but also a process.
Compatibility is also how we treat each other day to day, how attentive, attuned and curious we are about one another's inner lives (and lives in general), how we show up for one another, how we repair conflict.
We can have aligned values, goals, priorities, be emotionally mature and available, but we need to be aware that these things evolve over time.
We may grow more compatible over time and, at times, may feel less or become less compatible than we were initially.
So our work doesn't stop at simply vetting and finding the "right" people.
What helps here is skillfully navigating relational ebbs and flows, such as periods of disconnection or dissatisfaction, that are a natural part of relationships.
We do this with compassion for self and the partner(s), openness to collaboration, emotional responsiveness, or turning towards and responding to our partners’ attempts at connection, as well as coming together, sharing and addressing our vulnerable needs, fears and concerns.
We also maintain compatibility and connection through relationship agreements rooted in an ethic of fairness (such as oppression consciousness, equitable household chore distribution, mutual care and reciprocity).
We prioritize clear, compassionate boundaries that build trust through authentic disclosure of our own needs, values, goals, desires, concerns, fears, limits (what is and isn't acceptable to us, which also names and invites in what we wish to receive and co-create).
We prioritize standing by what we value, need and desire in love, and we don’t treat our needs as less important than partners or, conversely get our needs met at the expense of our partners. We also hold the line on not only advocating for our own needs, values and boundaries but refusing to compromise on our non-negotiables regarding these.
This is a position of profound vulnerability and profound power, the power of self-ownership, of trusting that we do have a say in the shape and form our relationships take.
Remember, our boundaries are internal pacts we make with ourselves and external declarations that convey what is important to us, what we value, how we wish to be held and seen, what we are and aren't available for, as far as our own needs, priorities, preferences, values, goals and well being are concerned.
Compassionate effective boundary maintenance, then, is critical to the blossoming and maintenance of trust in our relationships and in the relationship we have with ourselves, because growing in our capacity to tend to our own physical, emotional and psychological needs is the key to gaining self-trust.
When we become more self-trusting, we are able to trust that we can similarly get our needs met in mutual, reciprocal ways in our relationships (which also helps reduce hypervigilance around potential for abandonment and betrayal) by articulating them, advocating for them and being open to collaborating on how best to ensure all parties’ needs are being met, safely and securely.
In this way, neither partner is giving up something of significance and meaning to them in order to keep a relationship.
Self-trust also helps us cultivate the courage needed to stand up for ourselves, seek support, as well as offer care, soothing and compassion to ourselves, even when it is hard, should we need to exit a relationship.Another crucial component in compatible, sustainable relationships is effective, early, compassionate conflict repair, which is predicated on your ability to turn towards each other with the intention of understanding each other’s perspectives, needs and vulnerabilities, connect emotionally and somatically with each other (through non verbal communication and consensual touch for example) and be in active collaborative process with each other.
This requires identifying and naming needs, concerns and grievances (and any underlying core values that stand out) with specificity, identifying and communicating non negotiables and boundaries as well as areas of flexibility, examining how needs and visions can be met or realized, i.e. arriving at, through mutual interest and participation, action(s) that need to be taken (or paused or stopped altogether, in case they are causing inadvertent harm or are unhelpful) to bring about results that both parties desire and commit to.
Conflict then isn't about an absence of anger, grief, disagreement, conflict, annoyance and bickering, as is commonly assumed.
It is working individually and as a unit to continue to listen non judgmentally (not the same as without discernment), reconnect, repair, attune, recommit (to ones own and one another's well being, fulfillment, shared visions, purpose and values) and really invest in an ongoing couples' friendship.
It's understanding one another's story, perspective, visions and learning to tolerate differences while expanding individual and mutual capacitation for navigating and repairing conflict.
You may, at times, grow to enjoy conflict once you witness the gift of creative tension (more on this in future blogs), strengthened intimacy, trust and relational joy that results from well handled conflict. It also deeply enhances compatibility by opening up avenues for addressing problems and concerns without needless delay, supports transparency and cooperative, collaborative, accountable ways of relating and being with one another.
Remember, conflict navigation and repair is both Relationship and Compatibility maintenance!
All of the above is why my Dating and Relationship coaching are as deeply comprehensive and research based as they are.
Even my dating-based coaching has long term relationship success foundations built in, very methodically I might add.
Compatibility gives us a foundation upon which we build continued connectedness, commitment and mutual fulfillment in order to experience deeply loving relationships.
Again, it isn't simply a metric, which is why dating is never simply about "finding" the one/s as we put it socially.
Seeing compatibility as a shared process allows us to experience it in a fulfilling, ongoing way as well, even if there are periods where we aren't as aligned as we were initially.
When we know what we mean to each other, our shared purpose, the agreements that we respect so our needs can get met mutually, what the relationship means to us, we make the most of compatibility and build upon it, rather than taking it for granted or watching it erode over time.
Let me know your thoughts/experiences on compatibility below
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If you are looking to experience deeply fulfilling, abundant, joyful and secure relationships long term, whether you are partnered or single, email me for a zero pressure chat on how I can support you experience the same through my trauma informed, highly regarded, oppression conscious and empirically grounded coaching.
