Three BIG Relationship myths that are holding you back from experiencing the quality and resiliency you desire in Love
1) MYTH: You can "heartbreak proof" your relationship.
Truth: Heartbreak is inevitable even in the most loving, longest lasting, joyful relationships. Something always ends.
Someone always leaves, even if it is at the end of a well lived life. Dreams are sometimes postponed, or even lost, and that has to be mourned, before new ones are birthed.
Loving, at all, is opening ourselves to heartbreak. And heartbreak that is tended to and repaired ethically, compassionately and sustainably is an opening into love and vulnerability.
Even in a relationship that is thriving, heartbreak is inevitable.
There will be unmet needs that require tending, periods of ambiguity, and at times, even loneliness or disconnection which could stem from within the relationship or outside factors like illness, bereavement and professional stressors.
There will be times of disconnection and frustration.
And as John Gottman has said, loneliness is about an inability to trust (trust that we can open our hearts and be accepted, rely on folks) and that is why it can be self-perpetuating.
The lonelier we are, the less trust we are able to experience and offer. The less we trust, the lonelier we get.
Often, it's because (due to trauma and oppression) we deeply fear heartbreak, loss, hurt, rejection, disconnection and disappointment to the point we are willing to risk not loving at all than to experience heartbreak (which is its own heartbreak).
But there's no relationship, even the happiest one, that provides immunity to heartbreak, in other words grief, disappointment, the aching vulnerability of risking rejection when needs and grievances are openly shared, conflict repair that requires tapping into deeper wellsprings of openheartedness, accountability and flexibility (not compromising on ones needs, values and non negotiables here but openness to receiving feedback and integrating it) that we are used to.
Your partner will sometimes do things that feel like rejection, even when you know they need more time to themselves.
Your partner will sometimes fail to meet your needs, despite their best intentions. You will misunderstand each other, at times. There will be disruptions in attunement or past pain bubbling forth, making it hard to be with yourself or your partner in the present moment.
There's a lot that's been said about heartbreak in the context of breakups or divorce, and we tend to see how no relationship can be breakup/divorce proof, but the heartbreak that can occur even in a healthy relationship that grows long term is less talked about.
So I want to affirm, as a coach etc., but also just as a human being who's been long term partnered for years, there is no escaping heartbreak, loss, grief, rejection, disappointment and frustration in love.
There is, however, a sacred opportunity to co-create a relational culture of mutual appreciation, emotional attunement, belonging, compassion, curiosity, openness to play, collaboration and an intimacy both fierce and tender. ;)
And that’s what my new program BLOSSOM calls us into, through three months of 1:1 private coaching that is both structured and flexible, easeful and designed for intentional skill building, to help you co-create deeply loving, intimate, abundant and secure relationships founded on mutual care, shared values and healthy trust.
It’s why I have been up front about the harms of misguided coaching promises around “heartbreak-free” relationships, because they play on some of our biggest fears of abandonment, rejection and betrayal, but they don't prepare you for healthy, fulfilling, abundant relationships.
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2) MYTH: Dating and relationships can be "easy" if you just "attract" the right partner by playing up gender roles or ramping up your sensuality or learning what "high quality" people look for and trying to live up to it. Then, you will be happy in a long term relationship too.
Uh no.
Truth: Relationships are never served on a platter, ever, for anyone, not even the richest, most conventionally attractive, privileged people.
Healthy relationships certainly won't fall in your lap by playing to gender roles or trying to live up to what you assume others desire.
Healthy dating and relationships are a function of intentionally cultivated relational self-awareness, intentionally healing shame, intimacy and trust wounds with appropriate support, intentionally training your body and mind to receive and give love equitably, which requires active relational skill building.
The word is not just healing but training.
Relationships take work. Human relating is complex, vulnerable and deeply rewarding, but it is not easy, where easy means requiring little effort.
That's why ease is a function of relational self-awareness, skill, self-compassion practice (yes it’s a practice <3 ) and the right support.
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MYTH 3) Don’t rock the boat if you want to find a partner or want to make love last. Don't challenge things too directly. Don't ask for what you need in a forthcoming, candid way, or you'll lose the 'mystique' (which by the way is built through adventure, novelty and curiosity, not playing small) and then the "man" (often a man, who is apparently both an invulnerable superman and fragile as fuck).
This type of advice is common even outside of polarity coaching.
Nope.
Truth: It is rocking the boat that will earn you, in healthy loving interdependence, not only secure functioning within a partner relationship but in the relationship you have with yourself (which is the foundation of relational joy).
A lot of the time, being rocked with a direct, honest, firm, vulnerable conversation about unmet needs and desires, an articulation or re-articulation of boundaries we've avoided sharing or sustaining is exactly what your relationship needs.
When you want an authentic rock solid relationship, you risk short term discomfort and turbulence for long term relational security, fulfillment and resilience.
An authentic relationship requires compassion, honesty about your needs, hopes and dreams, plus rocking the damn boat, causing and facing discomfort about matters of significance to you (and your partner/s), and that's how you live to tell the tale of how you had the time of your life in the relationship of your dreams, when you and your partner(s) are old and grey.
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WORKING WITH ME:
If you are looking to work with a highly trained, highly regarded Relationship Coach, Educator and Expert, to experience (and find if you're dating) your most loving, solidly authentic, trusting, secure and fulfilling relationships long term, my program coaching is for you.
BLOSSOM is my three month private Relationship (and Dating) success coaching container for the motivated client who desires nothing short of sustainable relationship success and fulfillment.
In Blossom, I design a fully customized coaching program for you based on your needs, challenges, visions and goals whether you are partnered or single.
We meet twice per month for in-depth 60 minute coaching and integrative somatic healing sessions.
Unlimited voxer support between sessions for implementation and troubleshooting is provided.
Pay in full bonuses over $2000 in actual price are available.
Dating Success Report and Assessment using my custom software pinpointing core areas of growth and skill building you need to focus on to find your most aligned match(es) and co-create a secure, boundaried, loving relationship.
For Relationship coaching clients, a fully customized, step by step Relationship Success Guide is provided that will be a permanent tool you will return to for years, like many of my clients report.
All PIF clients get a value packed 2 hour VIP intensive to be used within 3 months of coaching for follow up assistance and implementation, so you are covered beyond the length of the program for support and feedback.
Payment Plans are available.
In my programs, I combine coaching methodologies informed by the latest in Relationship / Marital Success research (clinically validated) with my compassionate, Yogic and Buddhist informed somatic healing practices.
My work is about radical honesty about my values and the actual, lived dynamics of modern relationships (and dating).
If you are done with misleading advertising, unrealistic promises and oppressive patriarchal foolishness that is setting folks up for heartbreak, in the name of "heartbreak proofing" love...
If you are instead committed to your Relationship health, thriving and well being long term and refuse to settle on the quality of coaching and integrative somatic support you receive, that is *designed* for sustainable healing and long term relationship success...
Write back with “BLOSSOM” in the subject line for a ZERO pressure, NO obligation chat about how I might me able to support you best using my trauma, oppression and toxic stress aware coaching that is repeatedly called industry disruptive, life changing and the best investment ever (quoting numerous clients).
Again, BLOSSOM is being offered at a wildly accessible price for a limited time. As soon as these three early bird spots sell out, the price will be scaling upwards.
