my top asooli coaching guidance for anxiously attached folks
If you identify as anxiously attached or you tend to get anxious in relationships, regarding where you stand in them and whether your partner is trying to reject/leave you, what they could be doing when they're away from you, why they haven't texted back soon and so on, keep reading.
If you want to feel more secure, confident, relaxed, trusting and nurtured in your relationships...
If you want to experience healthy intimacy and build solid, loving, relationships, starting with your own self, now and in the long term, keep reading...
I am going to share some research based tips and practices with you, some of which go against the grain with pop psych interpretations of Attachment Theory.
You'll be surprised. Keep reading.
Our attachment style is neither fixed nor something that needs fixing as much as we need to resource ourselves internally, externally and get better at communicating compassionately and firmly, as well as vet partners with more awareness, so we don't go out with people who are more likely to confirm our fears of abandonment and unworthiness.
I do this in much more depth with my clients, but I want to leave a few step by step pointers for more anxiously attached folks.
--------------------------------
1) Expand your self-regulation (self-soothing is only a part of this) repertoire, which happens as you heal and gain deeper awareness. It's hugely important for us, as adults, to attune to ourselves, soothe ourselves and meet our needs in collaboration with others, so theirs are honoured as well.
***What are some ways in which you connect with, witness and soothe yourself so you feel more attuned to and safe in your body?
Do you Journal?
If so, try journaling where you make a note of the thoughts (judgments, interpretations, observations, stories) you're having, which feelings (clusters of bodily sensation that inform emotional experience) and bodily sensations you're having at the time. Do it in neutral situations.
Want to journal one evening after work?
Try a different style of journaling where you focus on one moment and describe which thoughts, feelings and sensations you are having. Then select the next moment or few moments and write your TFS, see if there are any changes.
It's interesting to see how our sensations, feelings and thoughts shift, even if little by little, moment to moment.
This style of journaling can help you make sense of life, by taking it in one sip at a time. And it can be soothing because it slows down our body and mind.
*** Try noting which five sounds you are hearing, the smallest sounds in the here and now.
*** Try walking meditation.
*** Try externalizing your anxiety by drawing it on a piece of paper, so you can create some space from it and feel less fused with it. What reassurance would you offer this part of yourself?
*** Attempt soothing self-talk, like you would with a dear friend who was experiencing the anxieties you do in relationships.
*** Try connecting with your beneficent ancestors, wisdom figures, elders and their essence. What would they say to you that would be grounding and strengthening?
It's important that you feel more supported and secure internally as well, not quite so vulnerable and alone.
--------------------------------------------------
2) A lot of times anxiously attached folks will turn to partners more to resolve anxiety than to connect.
And yes it's healthy to reach out and seek assurance, but it's important to take a pause, slow down body time and feel safer and more grounded in your body first.
Cultivating a balance between self-reliance and interdependence is important for all of us, and the emotional self-reliance part can be harder for anxiously attached people because a fear of abandonment/loss of connection means the primary way they may seek safety is by reaching out to others to alleviate anxiety and feel more in control. The extent of this varies from person to person.
One way to feel safer in the body is to break down moment to moment experience in terms of T/S/F (thoughts, feelings, sensations that are arising and witness your feelings, thoughts and sensations in small tolerable bits (My BSE training which I use in my coaching focuses on this process), to slow your mind down and help make your body a safer place for you.
With your cerebral cortex/witnessing self back online, it will be easier to ground and center.
You can now inquire, if it's available to you, into whether how you are feeling has to do with any past events or experiences?
Uncovering that story can help you see how your past bleeds into your present moment, flooding it. and this knowledge helps you feel more stable in the knowledge that here and right now you're safe)
When anxiously attached, folks tend to hold strongly to past pain and storylines. And these are used to predict abandonment.
Noticing how some triggers may have more to do with your past than present relationship and that you are safe in the here and now can be resourcing.
-------------------------------------------------------
3) Of course, if your partner isn't actually consistently present and emotionally available, isn't responsive to your needs and isn't invested in working on the connection in a way that honours you both, then the key then is to leave and not stay in relationships where your need for consistency and security just won't be met.
One way to get a clearer sense of this is to do a third party account of your relationship.
Note down facts about your relationship dynamics, focusing more on what is observable through the five senses, than on interpretations and assumptions. (Dialectical Mindfulness Skill)
Note down frequency and quality of contact.
If you fear they are going to leave you, see which facts support that concern. If there are facts which demonstrate your partner is in fact there for you, note them down.
If you value kindness and connection, note down if they connect with you compassionately , hold space for you and so on. Give specific examples. Intentionally make note of the good in your relationship.
If you have them on a pedestal, this exercise will help you get honest with yourself.
If they are fairly good and doing their best, you will be able to tell better.
And if they just don't meet your needs, whether or not they have an avoidant pattern, you'll see it easier too. This gives you information to act in alignment with your greatest well being.
The shame-based tendency to think if you work hard to win over an emotionally unavailable person, because you are not enough just as you are, then they will be more likely to reward you by staying has hurt many folks.
---------------------------------------------------------
4) Communication is vital.
Self-regulate and reach out for assurance, but be aware not to talk at/vent at your partner as a habit or use anxiety regulation as a substitute for connection.
And don't spin in anxiety by yourself.
If you'd like your partner to say call you regularly or cuddle regularly, hold you and so on. Let them know what you need.
There's a lot of shaming of more anxiously attached people as needy. But there's nothing wrong with having needs.
Know that it is healthy to ask for consistency, connection, communication, affection, warmth (whatever it is), WHILE respecting your partner's time, bandwidth, well being and privacy.
-------------------------------------------------------
5) Focus more on scanning your own body, in terms of how you are thinking feeling and experiencing sensations than scanning the external environment or your partner for signs of trouble and future abandonment.
Unless something is factually going on that indicates abandonment or disconnection (like you haven't heard from a partner for a long time without notice and you know they're physically okay) or your intuition is alerting to you in a calm grounded way about a familiar pattern of withdrawal and breadcrumbing etc., return focus to yourself and grounding yourself, connecting with friends, community and any regenerative/spiritual/contemplative practices as well..
Nourish yourself.
IF you do notice a pattern of neglect, don't undermine yourself by assuming you're clingy or needy or any other negative judgment.
Women/femme/nonmen bodies are wise and attuned. You are responding to a situation playing out in real time, not overreacting.
------------------------------------------------------
6) The idea that anxiously attaching is best resolved by dating secure people is actually not considered very convincing by many therapists and Attachment experts.
We can't put the labour of quelling our anxiety and healing our past on others. Yes we need to date people who are emotionally available of course.
But it's absolutely vital to be doing our own work, developing our own inner resources and not relying solely or heavily just on the partner to meet our security needs.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Even in this substantive post, I am only able to scratch the surface.
With my clients, I offer in-depth coaching around healing intimacy and shame wounds, using trauma sensitive clinically informed Embodied Relational Mindfulness Based practices (not a replacement for therapy), finding and co-creating deeply secure, nourishing and loving long term relationships.
Contact me to learn more about how I can support you best. :)
