releasing cycles of emotional unavailability, on-again, off-again relationships and situationships that feel like “unrequited love”

If you have been in or are caught in painful cycles of unrequited love in on again/off again relationships, this article is for you....

If you struggle with intimacy fears, this is for you...

If you often find yourself struggling in dead end relationships that started off feeling like your biggest dreams come true, keep reading...

If you want to learn how to safely navigate intimacy in dating, without being exploited, keep reading...

The toxic types of emotionally unavailable people (not everyone who is EU is going to act harmfully) are comfortable with simulating dating/relationships with women/femmes/nonmen who are more invested in them than they are in us, because it gives these types (often men) access to adoration/admiration/validation/sex/ sexual charge without having to be vulnerable and thus facing the possibility of rejection themselves.

It's easy to casually walk away from someone they weren't genuinely invested in to begin with.

If they can keep you at arm's length, while benefiting from access to your warmth, your body, your passion (often heightened in these power imbalanced situations), they can have their cake and eat it too without risking anything emotionally themselves.

Equitable risk sharing is a big part of healthy intimacy.

Remember, this is why structural oppression impacts our ability to create healthy intimate relationships, because anytime we are subjected to imbalances of power it impedes our ability to see our own worthiness (self-relationship), connect with others, be vulnerable, feel safe in our bodies and co-create safety in relationships.

Our intimacy wounds, much like burnout, are also sociopolitical.

And it's also why equitable reciprocal connections and developing a self-embracing, self-aware and self-attuned bond with ourselves are both keys to healing intimacy wounds.

In healthy relationships, both (or more) parties risk being seen, witnessed, and yes, rejected by being transparent about intentions, needs, desires and goals.

Any situation with inequitable risk and power sharing is ripe for traumatic bonding and heartbreak.

This is why you see such people specifically target folks that struggle with boundaries and are susceptible to love bombing, because when you are LESS invested you hold MORE power.

When I say love bombing, I mean the abuse tactic of coming on excessively strong then withdrawing to create insecurity and dependency, not general affection, warmth, praise or gift giving.

The solution to this does not involve hiding your interest or investment in people you date, so as not to appear "chasing" or "desperate" to a man who is less invested.

People (often they're men) like this will, then "chase" you (PUA tactics come into play) and then leave when they're done exploiting your vulnerability.

Or you'll end up in a situation where the only time a man/person "steps up" and shows up is when you are distancing yourself, and as soon as you become emotionally available, he /they become(s) unavailable again.

And you get hooked to the dopamine rush and the cocktail of stress hormones this on/off relationship/situationship causes.

The solution is as follows:

1) Understand what healthy intimacy is and requires.

Intimacy is about being known, seen, witnessed and understood just as we are, including the parts we are afraid would be judged or rejected.

Intimacy is about transparency and honesty about our goals, values, needs and desires.

It is about sharing risk and power equitably, so no one person holds more than another or puts the other at risk by withholding information about their intentions, goals and beliefs.

Intimacy requires attunement to one another, listening, learning, meeting each other with acceptance and progressing a relationship towards deeper connection rather than disconnection.

Intimacy building takes time and requires trust.

Trust is founded in honesty, transparency and integrity. Our actions align with our values when we are trustworthy, and we demonstrate our trustworthiness through being reliable, consistent and honest about our motivations, goals and values.

Trust is the bedrock of commitment (in monogamy or otherwise).

Evaluate for trust, reliability, transparency, equitable risk and power sharing.

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2) Be clear about your needs, desires, wants, values, disagreements and concerns.

Be vulnerable and risk rejection or disapproval, because when we try to be someone we are not (by hiding or obfuscating what we really need and wish for), we risk something much more painful than the sting of rejection as excruciating as it is.

We risk selecting people who target women/femmes/nonmen that minimize their needs and concerns.

We risk attracting emotionally unavailable people who are either toxic (as described above) or uninterested in their own healing and gaining the capacity to offer and receive love in healthy ways.

We then end up in some of the following situations:

a) painful one sided relationships

b) repeat cycles of toxic ghosting and returning exes (these cycles can continue for years on end, where you may find your ex rebounding with you every time they have a break up or even pursue a nonconsensual affair)

c) falling for people who sweep us off our feet with romantic intensity, get off our vulnerability, desire and warmth, only to exploit us materially (Tinder Swindler variants happen in everyday life) or cause other forms of emotional-mental (or even physical) harm.

This is a also a big reason why the healing shame, building self-trust and rejection resilience are so crucial to my relationship and dating coaching.

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3) Become more aware of what lies behind your difficulty with boundary setting, the ways in which you use boundaries as a barrier to intimacy or don't set them enough or firmly enough to allow for genuine intimacy to grow.

When our boundaries are too porous, we end up being hurt or exploited.

We also lose track of the ways in which we are avoiding both intimacy and our own wounding by ignoring red flags and selecting partners whose intensity, unpredictability or unavailability (the monogamous married men, the perpetually downtrodden men who can't get it together etc.) will keep us on an emotional rollercoaster, but never require that we be vulnerable about what we REALLY need, who we really are and how we need to be loved.

If you shared all that and didn't compromise on your needs, values and boundaries, these men/people would leave.

And we'd be faced with our abandonment wounding, our loneliness, our grief.

It's why healing work blossoms when we have the support to feel like we are still held and nourished in a wise presence (coach/therapist/elder, but definitely good therapist) as we come to terms with the pain, shame and anxiety that make it difficult for us to co-create the type of relationships we truly want to have.

So, it is not enough to simply learn the "how-tos" of boundary setting.

It's important to gently uncover and heal the wounding that is making you averse to boundary setting (and potentially averse to others setting boundaries) and learn boundary setting skills, which includes learning how to navigate turbulence, anxiety and the pushback that sometimes comes up in the process.

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If you are interested in learning more about my coaching, please book a free consultation call with me.