pre-date self-care and post-date aftercare for preventing Dating Burnout

I highly recommend pre-date self-care and post-date aftercare for women, particularly multiply marginalized women/nonmen.

Honestly, this is probably good for men and masc folks in general too.

A. Even if a date goes very well, take the time to unwind afterwards. Listen to your favourite music, talk to your trusted friends, doodle, watch a virtual tour of any location/museum/park of your choice, do something that feels soothing and good in your body, try a natural at home beauty treatment that feels cooling and relaxing, engage your senses in pleasurable ways.

All of this helps before dates too.

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B. Maintain a confidence journal. Before you begin dating or before your date, answer the following questions in your confidence journal:

1. Name some things you like about yourself. If you find it difficult to find things you like about yourself, think of the things your loved ones and even complete strangers have affirmed about you. View yourself as you would your best friend and discover beautiful, admirable, lovable, wonderful, likable things about yourself.

Write them down.

2. Name some things you are good at, small things, big things and everything in between. Like one of things I wrote was being good at choosing the freshest sweetest mangoes.

3. Are there any challenges you are proud of having overcome? Any achievements you're proud of? Write them in.

They don't have to meet capitalist narratives of success. If they do, it's just fine. If they don't, it's perfect. One of my achievements is venturing into entrepreneurship in a field that requires my visibility, despite severe social anxiety.

4. Are there any new experiences you'd like to have? Create a vision (written) or a vision board of the kind of experiences that make you feel excited, curious and joyful.

5. Name some qualities and even features you feel blessed to have, even though sexism/racism/fatphobia/ableism/capitalism may have had you thinking otherwise.

For example, I love the softness of my curves and my new-found ability to take rest when I need to even though these qualities are condemned in our world.

6. Celebrate small wins. Make a note of them. You created a dating profile? YAY! You DM'd a few matches? Fantastic. You showed up on a date despite the jitters? Go you!

Every action builds momentum. Nothing you do that moves you closer to your vision is insignificant. Know the significance of small shifts and decisions.

Your confidence journal is a dedication to your glory. It's about celebrating you. It's about celebrating your visions of pleasure, fulfillment and adventure. It's about unlearning shame based narratives conditioned by oppression.

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C. Check in with your confidence journal after your dates. If it feels good and energizing, write in the journal after your dates.

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D. If a date goes poorly, do not self-isolate. Connect with your friends, with any safe spaces you may have online, and as and when you're able, share your story, your experience around people who can hold loving space.

Make sure to take care of your body and mind. Eat well. Eat what makes you feel happy. Hydrate well. Check in with your confidence journal.

If you are feeling triggered, you can feel calmer and more grounded by noticing the thoughts that are coming up for you (interpretations, assumptions, judgments [ a lot of harsh self talk and criticism can come up] observations about the date), notice what you are feeling (clusters of bodily sensations, such as a heaviness in the chest indicating sadness or a clenching of muscles indicating anger) and observe the sensations themselves like what do your toes feel like, your fingers, shoulders, the tips of your ear lobes.

Observe the thoughts rise and fall; witness and name the intrusion of oppressive conditioning like judging your body or your neuroatypical communication style, make a note of it, and visualize placing the thought outside of yourself (recognizing it comes from conditioning, not your wisdom self) on a floating cloud/lotus leaf so you're aware thoughts are not static and permanent, that they rise and disperse and needn’t define how you see and treat yourself.

Notice where your feelings are concentrated in the body. Does your sadness seem most overwhelming in the chest region? Does your anxiety feel more pronounced in tense neck muscles? Send loving compassionate energy there. If you can, place your hand comfortingly in these places, as though you would hold a friend's hand.

Speak soothing, affirming, loving words to the tender, hurting parts of yourself. If it feels hard to access expansive compassionate presence that can hold your pain, picture a loved one or ancestor or even a favourite author doing this for you.

Witness changing sensations in the body. That numbness in your toes may have moved upwards or dissipated. The tightness in your shoulders may have gotten more or less pronounced. Seeing that sensations are also changing and impermanent, helps us feel less stuck and frozen.

This whole process can help you return to the safety of the present moment. It helps you slow down, not identify with negative judgments and give yourself the loving attention you deserve from yourself and the date itself. This practice can be used before and after dates.

Knowing there are tools and strategies in place to help you ground and feel more supported before and after dates can really take some of the terror out of dating.

I hope these tools help you feel more grounded, supported and confident during the dating process. And if you’d like to receive my highly regarded, trauma sensitive Dating and Relationship support, you are welcome to contact me to learn more using my link here: https://calendly.com/radicalrelationshipcoaching/connection-call?month=2023-05