de-shaming and demistifying codependency once and for all

There's a certain disdain with which codependency is looked upon socially that bothers me. A lot of the initial research on it came from substance abuse recovery scholarship, but the field has evolved quite a bit further since.

I want to affirm that a lot of codependent behaviours are dysfunctional forms, due to attachment trauma and oppression, of healthy, social behaviours that we have evolved to develop and practice in order to survive and thrive in partnerships, relationships and communities.

For example, there is nothing wrong with being giving if we are giving in accordance with our capacity and means without hidden agendas.

There is nothing wrong with helping problem solve or fix things, if we are doing it with consent and not taking over people's lives and enabling them by not letting them handle their own problems.

There is nothing wrong with pleasing the people we care for, if we are doing it in an intentional and transparent way.

It's a problem when we lose sight of our own needs as well as the responsibility to communicate them, and when we diminish them by over-focusing on a partners', to avoid rejection, conflict or abandonment.

If you struggle with codependency, it doesn't have to mean that you obsessively and forcefully try to go meddling in people's business or control them or guilt trip them.

Yes some codependent folks can do this, and I do view it with compassion because when we look underneath we can see generational trauma there, patriarchal violence and so on too. And we can all heal and grow.

What I am saying more is that codependency is turned into a misogynistic caricature of this resentful, manipulative, guilt trippy person (often woman/nonman) who can't be alone or lives to interfere in people's lives every chance they get.

And that's stigmatizing besides obscuring the fact that codependency can be much subtler than that.

When I struggle with it, on the surface I am watching how much space I take, and I am careful not to meddle in people's lives or micromanage and fix things (not too much anyway as I can catch myself early).

However, mentally I may be more preoccupied with their suffering to my own detriment. I may be pretty good with my boundaries and expectations, except when my partners are in high stress situations, in which case I can be compliant to putting up with long stretches of absence amounting to neglect without complaint.

I suffer in silence or distract myself with stories, projects and ambitions outside my relationships, while disconnecting from my needs and disproportionately prioritizing my partner's needs to convince myself what they're going through is always more important than my basic needs.

That's codependency as well, even though outwardly I don't appear to strongly people please or control. I may look very relaxed and chill, even. Sometimes, I even fool myself into thinking all is well when it isn't.

I am still controlling dynamics though by withholding my own vulnerabilities, concerns and needs, in order to preserve a relationship at my own expense. That's codependency.

And sometimes, it looks adaptable, self-reliant, accommodating, unobtrusive and even noble particularly if you are a woman/nonman who is expected to "emotionally support" partners in such situations while neglecting your own needs. The "lonely" housewife is a systemic problem, a patriarchal problem.

So I want to nuance conversations around this, because some of the language around codependency is very judgmental, one dimensional and black/white.

Codependency isn't some horrid anomaly. It's not only very common, it's also in many ways a distortion of healthy behaviours, resulting from attachment wounding, and can be treated and healed through self-compassion, trauma sensitive therapy and coaching.

It's really okay if you experience or have experienced codependency.

Nothing wrong with struggling to get the hang of interdependence in an oppressive world that has demanded your labour without meeting you mid way with either heart or assistance. Interdependence is practically beaten out of us (literally or figuratively) as afab children.

So I want to destigmatize codependency and have some more open hearted, whole and warmhearted conversations about it.

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And as always, if it's something you struggle with, you're welcome to contact me to learn how I might be able to help you heal this and really thrive in your relationships, because I haven't just studied codependency, its treatment and healing for years, I have helped many clients heal codependent relating and develop equitable, loving relationships.