“Should I stay or should I go?”

Part 1: Is this abuse or a trauma response?

Folks often say they are unsure of whether to stay or go because they are unclear on whether a partner is abusive or having a trauma response. This is a nuanced conversation, so I will move with as much care as I can.

I will start by saying a trauma response may or may not be abusive, and it is unsafe and inaccurate (also ableist) to assume abusers are just reacting from hurt or trauma without any agency in making choices that control, intimidate and manipulate partners.

A rare instance or two of controlling or unkind and self-absorbed behaviour when distressed, that is followed with accountability, timely repair, apology and then not repeated is different from persistent harmful, controlling, isolating, intimidating or threatening, covertly or overtly, manipulative behaviour.

Also do remember folks struggling with trauma are more likely to be victims rather than perpetrators of abuse.

It’s also critical to shed the belief that abuse from individuals with extensive trauma histories, and it’s often men who receive this form of undue benefit of the doubt, is to be endured in the name of grace or compassion. Your safety and well being is non-negotiable, no matter what, and abuse is unacceptable regardless of anyone’s history or present circumstances.

1) Abuse is about power-over dynamics, with a person holding all the power/disproportionate power and using threats of harm and isolation to maintain control. However, systemically speaking, lateral and power-under abuse can also take place. In these instances, the more marginalized party may be weaponizing what relational power they do hold in a dynamic, through threats, violence, manipulation and isolation, such as when women/nonmen abuse cismen.

For the sake of clarity, since folks often ask about the distinction between conflict and abuse also, as Catherine Hodes describes, conflict is about a struggle over power. Healthy conflict is about negotiating, compromise and power sharing, not weaponizing power or control against the other.

Conflict is not inherently abusive or unhealthy and is, in fact, healthy if folks go about it with compassion, integrity, clear boundaries and established agreements.

In fact, unlike a lot of colonial yt supremacist patriarchal framing, according to decades of Gottman research anger wasn't shown to have a detrimental impact on relationships either (except when it was associated with the 4 horsemen of criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling and escalation of hostility and emotional disconnection).

In Gottman research, women/nonmen's anger, often when initiating conflict discussions, was shown to lower happiness scores in the short term but played a key role in relationship success and happiness in the long term.

However, what a lot of folks can find challenging is wondering if something is abuse, conflict or a trauma response.

So I couldn't possibly extrapolate all of that in one blog post, but briefly here's what you need to know:

1) Trauma responses may lead to conflict (read definition) and may lead to abuse (check definition about power dynamics and threats of harm, control and isolation).

What matters here is impact. If untreated trauma is resulting in abuse, you have to first safeguard your well being above all, and that will often mean having to exit the relationship safely.

If there is any type of violence (including emotional and psychological of course), coercion and isolation or threats of these involved, it is extremely important for you to receive professional clinical support, among other forms of familial/communal support, so you can safely leave the abusive situation and heal.

Trauma response or not, abuse is unacceptable. This is non-negotiable.

Even if a traumatized individual, or any individual regardless of trauma, is responding in harmful ways which may not constitute abuse but are still causing you anguish, you absolutely need to be setting boundaries and holding to them because you are not required to endure harm, contempt, neglect, unbridled emotional expression (such as intense traumatic personal disclosure without consent or care for your well being, unboundaried expressions of anger and so on) etc.

You also do not need to wait for things to either be abusive or escalate to abuse, as unresolved intense conflict sometimes can over time, before you leave.

If your needs are going persistently unmet, your boundaries aren't respected and you don't feel secure and safe in a connection, that is enough reason to walk away.

Short answer: Instead of continuing to try and parse out trauma response from abuse, do this:

Please focus on learning the signs of what abuse (also neglect) looks like, receive professional support (trauma informed therapist in particular), reach out to your trusted friends and community so you can receive the critical help needed with safely navigating and exiting the situation.

And again, remember there are many reasons that are perfectly valid for leaving a relationship. Abuse does not need to be, and it shouldn’t be where we, socially and interpersonally speaking, set the bar on when it’s time to leave.

A relationship that isn’t for you doesn’t have to be abusive or toxic. If it’s not a healthy and fulfilling relationship that gives you deep joy, satisfaction and encourages your growth, you get to leave and seek better for yourself.

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PART 2: Secure functioning, commitment and what to do if you are unsure of whether to stay or go, in a dating scenario or relationship:

1) Your first commitment in dating and relationships needs to be to your well being and to secure functioning, as Stan Tatkin has described.

Here, you prioritize your needs, are clear on your core values and have agreements in place rooted in principles such as compassion, fairness and mutuality, prioritize acting in alignment with your values and relationship visions (which values you want your relationships to embody), even over a relationship itself.

If a partner breaks relationship agreements and oversteps boundaries, meets your attempts at repair or attunement with neglect, hostility, criticism (subtle or otherwise) or indifference, withdraws from the relationship (the lukewarm, one foot in one out thing applies here) while you stay committed and continue to behave as though you are still in a secure functioning relationship when you are not, that requires attention.

You have to understand that your first commitment is to your own well being and secure functioning as a form of healthy, attuned relating that is a non negotiable.

Yes it helps to work on how we are showing up for ourselves and in partnership, focus on skill building that will help us meet and advocate for our needs, be emotionally responsive, boundaried and connected.

E.g,: Seeing our own role in the dynamic (even if it is that of not asserting our needs consistently) and taking action to make healthier choices, moving from blame and criticism to accountability, repair and soft start ups, addressing resentment and repairing effectively instead of avoiding or intensifying conflict, intentionally reminding ourselves of a partner's positive traits, re-establishing rituals of connection, to name a few key factors.

However, when your needs go unmet even after you've committed to your growth, healing and influencing your relationship positively through this growth, you have to get clear on choosing your own health, well being and thriving over a relationship that barely exists.

In this situation, the grounding of mutual agreements, values and commitment to prioritizing it reciprocally + mutually is no longer present.

This is also an important consideration for folks who aren't sure about the future of their relationships and want to feel more grounded, gain more clarity and reconnect with their inner wisdom and discernment.

Developing secure attachment skills and moving forward from a foundation of compassion, courage and authenticity (knowing our values, needs, priorities, expressing them and acting on them) is what makes a big difference to your own healing and the future of your relationship/marriage, even if things end.

Every relationship/marriage has periods of ambivalence or ambiguity where you have mixed feelings about a partner or relationship or your role within it, however it's important to note if it has reached the point of conditional commitment where one person has one foot out and isn't showing up for the relationship.

If you are not being met mid way, find yourself putting your needs beneath a partners', aren't being treated with high regard and your attempts at repair and attunement are turned down, you find yourself feeling chronically alone, it's important to understand this is unhealthy and harmful.

Conditional commitment is often seen in insecure dating as well as relationships and tends to rupture trust.

You get to choose a more nourishing direction for yourself.

Seeking professional support as early as possible, with taking care of yourself and gaining clarity on how best to move forward, even if that turns out to mean ending the relationship, as painful as it is, is vital.

The health costs of chronic relationship stress are staggering, particularly for women/nonmen. You absolutely get to put your health, life and well being first.

It's also true of my folks who are dating.

Like I always say, be clear on your needs, values, priorities, longings, visions and goals, your boundaries as well.

Choose a more secure nourishing self-relationship and healthy, safe, fulfilling dating with highly compatible people (you aren't for everyone, and everyone isn't for you) over wanting to be in a relationship for its own sake or to be in a relationship even if your needs go unfulfilled or your alarm bells are ringing in early dating.

Always choose the substance of security over the illusion of security, the mirage that is future forwarding, early intense attachment leading to unchecked idealization/emotional embellishment to avoid rejection and so on.

P.S. Secure functioning doesn't mean absence of conflict or difference or disagreement. It means navigating these with compassion, intentionality and skill.