dysfunctional vs. functional pleasing in relationships: from the perspective of a pleaser and Relationship expert
There's a lot of discussion around people-pleasing (super important) and, in coaching circles, a lot of misinformation as well. So I have written this trauma sensitive piece on people-pleasing, shame, compassionate shame recovery and what *healthy* forms of pleasing can look like!
This is very important in dating and relationships, especially for those of us who enjoy serving/pleasing and want to do it in a healthy boundaried radically loving way!
If you struggle with people-pleasing and/or want to learn more about functional please responses that can deepen connection, keep reading.
The very first thing I want to mention is pleasing others at our own expense isn't something inherently "bad", so please be kind to yourself. It's a strategy that has served its own function or role in your life.
It has, often, been a survival strategy for folks who had abusive, neglectful or emotionally unavailable (forms of enmeshment where children have to be responsible for regulating the parents' emotions is an example of this) parents and/or partners.
It's vital that you understand people-pleasing doesn't reflect poorly on you as a person, and I am saying this because people-pleasing comes with a lot of shame and self-criticism as well as negative pop psych messaging.
It doesn't make you weak or unworthy or less valuable as a human being. It doesn't mean you "lack self-respect" or "lack boundaries" (needing more defined boundaries doesn't mean you lack them altogether or lack the skill to learn more) or "lack" anything.
People-pleasing can be a sophisticated strategy to keep yourself safe in traumatic or highly distressing situations.
It becomes a problem when:
we get stuck in the people-pleasing pattern and find it challenging to prioritize ourselves
find it hard to express ourselves and believe we have a say in our own fulfillment (i.e. "the only way for me to be fulfilled is to please others because I can't take care of my own needs by sharing them directly")
struggle to say no
struggle to be transparent about our needs (so there are no strings attached, no hidden agendas) and concerns as well as articulate these and our own boundaries plus expectations directly and clearly, while respecting the consent of others.
feel that we need to please others at our own expense to be seen as a good person/friend/partner
Here's what I mean by the above (including the consent piece):
Does the other person even need what you're offering in an effort to please them, to avoid your own fear of rejection or abandonment?
What about what you need?
Do you fear if people saw your vulnerabilities, insecurities, your more stigmatized emotions/feelings (such as anger for a lot of nonmen or anxiety or need [often what we frame as neediness]) and perceived/real flaws/areas needing growth that they'd find you unlovable or unworthy?
Are you openly asking for folks' feedback on whether they even need what you're trying to please them with?
Do they have a say in it?
Are you aware you might be trying to get your own needs met indirectly by centering theirs, in the hopes that fulfilling their needs would make them anticipate and meet your unspoken ones as well?
All without you risking vulnerability and being seen for who you are, what you value, need and desire, what you struggle with and need support with?
This is the attachment wound of shame, which makes us feel we're fundamentally defective and irredeemable, and that the softest, most vulnerable parts of us (often the parts that are shamed socially) are even more defective or flawed (broken is a word I hear often) and thus will get us rejected/abandoned/exiled.
Understand that people-pleasing may have played a role in keeping you safe in extenuating circumstances where directly expressing concerns, needs or objections may have endangered your safety, but it is not healthy or effective as an ongoing pattern because it comes from a place of unhealed shame wounding, trauma and oppression.
Also remember there is a difference between unsafety and discomfort, stress and distress, and our nervous systems generally don't do a good job of making these distinctions by default. It takes active practice.
People-pleasing also keeps us from being authentic about what we need and want or value, so we end up in superficial, dead-end relationships/friendships where we go through the motions just so we won't be rejected or have to face conflict.
Often this is until we get resentful enough to leave or speak up (at this point, the expression of resentment can be unskillful, critical and contemptuous or stonewalling and do the same damage we feared all along).
We may also end up staying too long in harmful or abusive situations, because of our pre-existing developmental trauma and our associated preoccupation with the needs of others, at our own expense, losing ourselves, our priorities, and safety, in the process.
People-pleasing can provide some short term relief as we get to avoid discomfort or conflict or emotional hurt, but it comes with heavy costs long term.
Ask yourself (journal or even post here or discuss with a friend) the cost of people-pleasing in your life?
Ask yourself what you would do and say instead of people-pleasing if you believed you were worthy of having your own voice, were inherently worthy just as you are, that your needs were legitimate and as important as that of others?
What is the compassionate (to self and others) antidote to people-pleasing in your life? Is it speaking up and receiving the support needed to tolerate stress/conflict? Is it compassionate boundary setting? Is it disrupting your preoccupation with others' needs and returning focus to your own, intentionally and regularly?
Write about this or share below.
Another thing that I go in depth with my coaching clients is functional pleasing.
It is fine and HEALTHY to please folks, when it comes from a place of sovereignty, freedom, transparency and joy.
By sovereignty, I mean individual self-governance. You lovingly deciding your actions on the basis of your will, priorities and well being.
If doing something pleasing for another also honours your priorities and well being, comes from your own will/volition, as opposed to feeling obligated or being guilted or leaving the fulfillment of your needs to others (hoping they'll anticipate them if you meet theirs instead of taking the risk to communicate these and being seen), then it's awesome.
If it pleases the other person/people and also gives you pleasure, to the degree you feel satisfied, it is great.
If your own needs and expectations are on the table, clear agreements around reciprocity (where applicable) are in place, it is just well and good.
I am only scratching the surface here despite this well thought out and well researched post, as this is such a vast subject, but I do much more in-depth, customized work around this with my clients,
We work on everything from increasing our tolerance to conflict, to getting practice with self-assertion and compassionate boundaries, to establishing clear agreements in dating and relationships around our own pleasure, desires and needs, to healing shame wounds, particularly those that result from oppression and disconnect/sever us from our needs and the ability to articulate them and get them met reciprocally, to becoming deeply rejection resilient and more.
If you're curious to learn more about my coaching, my coaching methodologies or the work I do with people-pleasing and perfectionism recovery (as they show up in every area of our lives), feel free to contact me. :)
