Are you a placeholder or a game changer? a feminist myth buster

1. Placeholders shouldn't exist but folks can be framed as such because sexist, racist, fatphobic oppression is pervasive. There are people who maternalize fat nonmen and see us, particularly the darker skinned, as convenient sources of sex and emotional intimacy without offering us the benefits, privileges and availability of a full relationship.
   
   Due to internalized oppression and past trauma, particularly that emerging from shame where we feel we aren't enough as we are and need to prove our worthiness to others, we can be willing to wait around while knowing full well we aren't being prioritized, because we hope this sacrifice will be rewarded with the relationship we really want.
   
   And people (cismen especially) will exploit this wounding and the lack of appropriate boundaries it results in, so they can keep getting their own needs met even if it comes at your expense.
   
   As others have said, this is objectifying, cruel and oppressive. It shouldn't be normalized as it sometimes is in media/movies etc.
   
   Also keep in mind, I have repeatedly said that most cismen who use you as a life raft in hard times will not stick around to build relationships with you.
   
   They will many times prefer to start over with a new person, be seen with fresh eyes and having to be accountable for the exploitative, unfair or plain dishonest nature of their actions isn't something most of them will consider worth their while.
   
   And if they were the type to be accountable, they wouldn't have taken advantage of your wounding to begin with.
   
   

2. Placeholders, although I don't like the word in this context either, also exist because folks are sometimes emotionally unavailable because they're going through crisis or generally in need of personal healing, and so they're open to dating folks who are also not looking for a full deeply intimate and involved relationship.
   
   So you'll have people who aren't emotionally involved for whom the other party serves as an in-between relationships supporting character who are also okay with being the same, because that's all they have capacity for.
   
   My thing if you're in this position is that you need to be firmly boundaried.
   
   You need to be aware of this dynamic, so instead of fueling a proxy relationship that you know is very likely not compatible and just fulfilling a temporary need, you focus more on your own healing, secure attachment skills and personal growth.
   
   This is so you can be ready emotionally for a relationship founded in emotional availability, transparency and healthy intimacy instead of staying in an unfulfilling dynamic or one that doesn't have much of a future.
   
   And if you're fine with having this connection because it's meeting your current needs but have no expectations about the future, that's fine. Just have an honest open conversation, so everyone is on the same page, and nobody is betting on the future.
   

3. Gamechangers- Ah such a juicy topic. So here's what I have found.
   
   We alone are our gamechangers. Nobody else can change a cisman or nonman/ marginalized gender individual.
   
   It is a very common misconception that a woman/nonman that a cisman eventually marries/enters into a long term partnership with was somehow special/unique in being extraordinarily compatible or skilled at bringing about/facilitating his transformation, whereas the previous ones aka the "placeholders" weren't (which is casual sexist victim blaming because a lot of those women/nonmen were often mistreated and misled).
   
   A solid relationship forms when we are focused on our healing, growth and the prioritization of our own needs, values and emotional availability (while expecting the same and NO less in others aka boundaries).
   
   When we become our own gamechangers, we are more likely to expect the same growth from potential dates and partners.
   
   Men, particularly cis, who eventually form healthy equitable reciprocal relationships long term either already have a history of treating women/nonmen decently and have had relationships end more because of incompatibility or general life stuff (distance for example) as opposed to being toxic or using.
   
   OR
   
   They have taken years off dating, really worked on themselves, humbled themselves, done a lot of self-work and are now committed to treating nonmen with care, integrity and respect.
   
   Keep in mind not to assume this transformation based on words alone (patriarchy doesn't incentivize this type of growth), so always look at a person's previous relationship history without making excuses for past bad behaviour and be very objective about his/their current treatment of you.
   
   This can also include men who may have had more pronounced struggles with commitment who have since healed these wounds and consistently progress relationships and display emotional attunement and availability, without push-pull or mixed messages.
   

4. But yes, remember people change when they are intrinsically motivated to change. Guan Yin herself could present herself, and a man/person who isn't capable of revering her would fail at it.
   
   We (women/nonmen/marginalized genders) aren't healing springs or life rafts. Let the men/people who have a lot of self-work to do before they are safe and healthy to date do this without sacrificing yourself at the altar of someone else's growth.
   
   We also end up doing this when we we feel we would be rejected by someone truly emotionally available and commitment ready. We get to focus on our own healing and be deeply supported in it.
   
   P.S. There is research showing that in case where cismen exited long term relationships with women/nonmen who had desired marriage but were married to the women/nonmen they'd met soon after, 6 months-a year later or near about, the main reason for it was that those women/nonmen were clear on their dating timeline.
   
   They had basically said up front if I am not engaged by 6 months and married within a year (in this study, although I recommend dating longer than 6 months before a key decision like marriage), I would walk away. And they meant it.
   
   When that's just being used as a passive aggressive threat that we don't really mean, it creates an unhealthy coercive dynamic. We genuinely have to be comfortable with walking away from something that doesn't serve us.