be cognizant of these three hidden dynamics common to toxic relationships

If you've ever stayed in a toxic relationship, this reflection addresses dynamics you may have experienced and proposes paths to healing.

Following are things that increase our tolerance of pain and boundary violations in relationships (based on Patrick Carnes work on Betrayal Bonds and David Rico's research on trust and intimacy) making us susceptible to traumatic bonding, codependency and toxic relationships:

1) Believing in the uniqueness of an unhealthy bond with another, such as assuming we are the exception to someone's rule or that we possess unique qualities that would make an otherwise emotionally unavailable or even harmful person "change" for us.

Example:

Knowing it is a bad idea to get involved with a person with a history of being misogynistic to his exes (or for instance a history of cheating or abandonment) and dating him anyway because we feel there is something unique about our bond with him, that was perhaps missing in his previous relationship, that we possess unique qualities that will make this person change "for the better".

This is a function of attachment trauma and patriarchal conditioning that can cause us a lot of harm, long term.

2) Related to the above, believing we can rescue people from themselves (includes fantasies about reforming "bad boys"/ "bad girls") can increase our threshold for pain and boundary violations.

When we become consumed with this codependent mission of healing or transforming another person, we not only violate their boundaries and personhood, we also abandon ourselves in the process.

We meet every violation with even higher pain tolerance because we're willing to sacrifice our happiness, and even our safety, for this unhealthy attachment bond and the unmet needs we're hoping to fulfill by proving our worthiness.

This is again a result of attachment wounding, such as enmeshment in our past where we may have had to perform adult responsibilities and protect or rescue parents/caregivers and/or exes who lacked healthy boundaries.

Such misguided loyalties set the stage for betrayal and traumatic bonding that is very hard to release.

3) Betting on the future, often with elements of fantasy relating where we fill in the real life gaps of our unmet needs with romantic fantasies and hopes for future change/transformation, is another notable pattern in relationships that increases our tolerance for pain, lack and neglect.

We often bet on the future while going without in the here and now because we fear rejection if we were to actually be vulnerable about our needs, wants, desires, longings and even values.

We know that the type of people whose potential we have to bet on to stay in a relationship would leave or step back if we shared what we really wanted to experience and set clear, firm boundaries.

When we have faced attachment trauma, we have often not received the type of mirroring, emotional attunement and support from our caregivers that would help us develop the inner resources to endure the loss of heartbreak, by self-regulating and being with our pain and trusting we will get through on the other side and trust love again.

This leaves us especially vulnerable to avoiding rejection or endings, even at great cost to our lives, health and well being.

So, we avoid the pain of releasing an unhealthy unfulfilling bond, which is actually the growing pain of choosing freedom, fulfillment and dignity in a life where we've had to accustom ourselves to neglect, toxicity and lack. There is grief involved in this, which we often lack the support to navigate making things even more challenging.

To our hind brain, this change of seeking security, safety and fulfillment, after having been in insecure attachment bonds with everyone from parents, caregivers, community and oppressive institutions can be read as threatening.

In this way, we unconsciously choose the unacceptable, relentless suffering of having to do without, of unmet needs, chronic dissatisfaction, the erosion of our self-trust, joy, pleasure and our ability to deeply respect, choose and prioritize ourselves.

One of the most important steps in healing this is committing to reality, really committing to seeing the bare facts of a relationship and returning to them consistently, so we can replace the fantasy relating with a loving attentiveness to our own needs, attuning to our own feelings, thoughts and sensations (a gateway to our intuition and personal empowerment), in increments our nervous system can tolerate.

The second key element is experiencing the secure, safe and skillful relating of a therapeutic container with a deeply skilled qualified trauma informed therapist who is also oppression aware, connecting with friends, wisdom figures and community who treat us in mutually respectful, loving, reciprocal ways, developing a spiritual or contemplative practice and, where accessible, working with trauma informed coaches trained in providing relationship support that serves as a helpful effective adjunct to therapy.

My coaching supports clients release these painful unhealthy patterns of relating, come home to themselves, their sovereignty and joy, trust themselves and their intuition again, refuse to settle for less or for undue suffering and develop the deeply fulfilling, loving relationships they desire.

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I hope this reflection was supportive for your healing and personal growth.

If you'd like to inquire more about how I can support you in your own healing, joyful dating and establishing deeply loving relationships, contact me to tell me more about your visions and dreams.