“Needy” isn’t a thing, baby.

Most of us have been shamed for being "needy" at some point or another, so this is a healing message for us:

Anyone who says "you're too much" or that you're "needy" has a problem with you having human needs, boundaries and the desire to voice them.

If you can't meet someone's needs, you get to say you are unable to do so. If you feel what's being asked of you is unreasonable given the nature of your relationship or unrealistic given the resources available to you, or an unhealthy expectation to hold of you, you get to say that too.

What we don't get to do is shame people by calling them needy, which implies they are fundamentally flawed and incapable of meeting their own needs (the hidden part being "by themselves at all times").

As adults, our developmental tasks include being able to tend to our needs internally (such as through self-soothing, building our emotional capacity and coping skills through therapy and contemplative practice, grounding and resourcing ourselves as a part of regular self-tending and so on) and externally, which is to say through our relationships with others.

We are social creatures and our attachment systems are wired for connection. Isolation and toxic independence put people in early graves.

So the key is to get our needs met in a clear, consensual reciprocal way where the needs of all parties are given due care and folks also balance that with voicing, tending to and prioritizing their own needs.

When I say clear, consensual and reciprocal, I mean folks know what the needs are, communicate them clearly, and talk about how they can be met on mutual terms, and receive clear consent about this, so there is no fine print or hidden expectations.

I meet women/nonmen with the most basic bare minimum needs feeling needy in relationships, because men have often made them feel like they were asking for too much because they had inconvenienced men *cough* by having a voice and using it.

We then start believing we are needy, and it becomes a part of our own lens and how we see ourselves. We start to participate in our own abandonment unknowingly.

We shame ourselves for having needs, while we are conditioned to forget that our needs are our body and intuition's signals that help us gauge safety, security and fulfillment.

Without knowing our needs, we are lost and adrift. It's why so much of my coaching focuses on discovering our needs, values, boundaries and pleasure base.

Our needs, our boundaries and our values are deeply somatic and interconnected.

As for when people talk about someone being "too much", if they feel specific behaviour may be too much for them to bear in a relationship (for me it can be even slightly raised voices due to misophonia) or is unhelpful for them to engage in because of their own temperament and experiences (such as more avoidant leaning folks struggling to date people with a higher need for reassurance), they may communicate their boundaries and needs, but they don't get to shame and criticize with terms like “too needy” or “too much”.

Consider it a problem when people say you're too "sensitive/analytical" etc. Seek a more loving, dignifying direction for yourself. You deserve nothing less.

I hate to see the light extinguished from people's eyes because they've been deemed too much of something or the other.

You know what 'too muchness' is? It is abundance, vitality and self-knowledge. It is refusal to abide by oppressive yt neurotypical social norms. It's celebrating your YOU-ness, the immensity and irreplaceability of your essence.

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Let me know your thoughts below.

If you are curious about my fully research informed, trauma sensitive and anti-oppressive dating and relationship coaching designed to help you confidently date (if you are dating) and co-create your most fulfilling, healing and abundant relationships long term, you are welcome to DM me for a zero pressure zero obligation chat .