ten things most commonly mistaken for intimacy that land you in dating/relationship hot waters

10 things that aren't intimacy, and which when mistaken for intimacy, lead folks in dating and relationship hot waters very often:

1) infatuation

2) emotional and sexual intensity

3) cycles of intense arguments where people press each other's buttons, followed up by passionate making up rituals (may include sex)

4) on-again off again relationships where people part ways and then return in emotionally charged reunions that rarely last long and further entrench intimacy wounds

5) the "spark"

6) inappropriate personal disclosure (through emotional dumping and venting in nonconsensual ways or when there isn't enough trust established to ground it) aimed at testing the other party's approval or loyalty rather than vulnerable sharing aimed at connection and mutual understanding

7) forcing connection (may include trying to be physically or verbally affectionate towards a hurt party who isn't ready for it) after arguments or harmful behaviour, to alleviate ones own anxiety and seek reassurance, or be intentionally manipulative as part of ongoing abuse, rather than attuning to what the partner needs for repair to occur and offering an unconditional apology

8 ) an exaggerated view of sexual compatibility or sexual charge as a substitute for the intimacy (emotional connectedness, vulnerability, equitable exchange of power) that the relationship is missing, often seen in cases where "the relationship sucks but the sex is everything".

when the only approximation of intimacy you get is sex, that's what you are likely to say.

9) overly intertwined lives where folks lack boundaries around privacy and personal space, may casually track each other's whereabouts, have access to each other's devices or demand the same, seeing it as proof of loyalty or "having nothing to hide", while fundamentally lacking trust in themselves and each other.

10) strong rescue fantasies and efforts to save people from themselves instead of trusting in and respecting their agency can feel deeply intimate and consuming, when it's a form of codependency, which can lead to traumatic bonding and a world of hurt.

also a history of dating people in crises or in need of financial or other forms of involved assistance, where consuming involvement, tracking, caretaking, over-tending can take over a person's life is often mistaken for intimacy when again it's a form of codependent relating and results from attachment wounding.

Note: infatuation isn't a problem by itself. It's a natural part of attraction and early dating, but when it is mistaken for intimacy that's what causes problems. Emotional and sexual intensity are also not inherently a problem unless they are unboundaried and are being assumed to be forms of intimacy itself.

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These are also some of the unhealthy patterns I have helped many of my clients release on their healing journeys and a couple of which I have healed in my own life and relationship history.

If you're interested in learning how I might be able to support you in developing a loving healthy self-relationship, heal shame and intimacy wounds, as well as date and co-create relationships in a secure, boundaried, deeply rewarding way long term, I'd love to talk to you and get to know your visions and dreams.

You are welcome to book a zero pressure call with me here.