Do you need to be healed before dating or entering a relationship?

A common question I am asked is, "do I need to be healed before I start dating or enter a relationship".

The answer is no. You do not need to be healed before you date or enter a relationship because healed is not a static stage where we stay once we we've arrived.

Healing is an ongoing process that involves our self-relationship, our relationship with friends, loved ones, community, the resources needed to experience safety and safeness (within our bodies), experience belonging, attunement and access to mental healthcare as well as other forms of healthcare as per our needs (including healing modalities specific to our cultures).

We heal throughout the course of our lives.

Healing, self-compassion, self-acceptance are physiological.

As long as our bodies exist, we have the capacity to heal and develop a more and more loving relationship with ourselves, provided we are supported in the ways we need because we don't, in fact, heal in isolation.

However, we need to be aware that "not healed" vs. "healed" can be a false binary.

Yeah you don't need to be "done healing" or "fully healed" or "mostly healed" or "healed enough" to date or be in a relationship, but you do need to be in a space where your trauma is not impeding your ability to make grounded assessments of the people you're dating.

You also need to be able to evaluate your own safety and availability for the vulnerabilities and risks involved in love (rejection for a start).

If you are recently divorced or seperated or experiencing a crisis like major job loss, have recently exited an abusive relationship (romantic or otherwise), your ability to detect red flags and read intuitive signaling has been affected.

You may have a post traumatic need for connection strong enough to override your better judgment, putting you at risk of harm and exploitation.

It can put people you're involved with at risk for harm, because you are not emotionally available at such times.

This can lead to a lack of transparency about motivations and cause you to attach strongly in ways you may not be able to keep up with, leading to the sudden abandonment scenarios (among other things like painful rebounds) many of us are familiar with.

So you do need to be at a place where you're preferably receiving therapy, receiving some support from your friends and community (in consensual boundaried ways), have other sources of connectedness and belonging, outside of dating and relationships, and are able to be objective about your own capacity and slowly open yourself to trust and exploration.

We are all familiar with the strain hypervigilance (trust issues as an example, worst case scenario thinking) can cause. The inability to notice warning signs because your trauma mind is unable to stay present and aware, during and soon after crises, is another concern as mentioned above.

Also remember, when we say we need relationships to heal, it means we need positive, healthy, supportive relationships of all kinds, primarily friendship, community care and therapeutic relationships (not limited to therapists) and perhaps even some level of spiritual connectedness, including nature based spiritualities (not religious necessarily).

It doesn't mean we only need romantic relationships to heal.

We do not. Folks who are not romantically partnered but have deeply nourishing friendships and community care networks tend to better than folks in dissatisfactory relationships. In fact, secure attachment with friends is one of the strongest determinants of quality of life and longevity in older adults.

All healthy, nourishing, loving connections, particularly friendships, have a positive impact on our healing and overall well-being.

If you are romantically inclined or just inclined to partner relationships of various forms, please remember it is entirely possible to have trauma sensitive, healing, replenishing and fulfilling partner relationships in the short and long term.

If not, please remember it is still possible to lead deeply fulfilled lives where we are loved, valued and experience all the love, pleasure, joy and connection available to us and more.

Romantic love is NOT a necessity. Dating is NOT a necessity. Marriage is NOT a necessity. We get to experience these if we wish to, but we are not lacking or incomplete or unworthy without these.

You are here, and you are loved.

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