Is your date your bestie? On Friendships, dating and romantic boundaries

A dating and friendship question women/nonmen often ask is if we should do things for a date, say in early dating that we do for friends.

For example, putting a lot of time listening and holding space, or if a friend is sick, you'd cook for them, check in with them more often, offer to spend more time with them in person (pre and post covid hopefully).

The answer requires some nuance.

If you're dating a woman/nonman from your own community or communities that have less racial and/or ethnic privilege than you, and you feel there is kinship, care, affection, value alignment, understanding and warmth, feel free to show up as a friend and show up as a friend does in times of need.

However, I don't recommend getting in the "serving" or tending aspects of friendship, or easily regarding folks as friends, when interacting with men or other people of privilege, particularly in early dating.

Friendship is not a step down from romantic relationships or a mere stepping stone to romantic love.

Friendship is power in itself, and it's the foundation of every partner relationship.

For those of us dating men, we have to be careful if we know the person well enough to consider him a friend.

Men don't automatically deserve girlfriend/partner privileges, and they don't automatically deserve friendship privileges either.

Women/nonmen's friendship IS a privilege, and you need to be as selective with offering your friendship, in and outside of dating, as you are with romantic love.

That guy you're dating is not your friend, unless you've known and evaluated him long enough to know he respectfully shows up for you, offers you support with no strings attached, listens to you and prioritizes you and your well being.

Nearly everything (except chemistry, sexual attraction, romantic alignment) required of a partner /commitment ready person is what you see in solid friends (integrity, trust, respect, honesty, transparency, clear boundaried communication, warmth, vulnerability, reciprocation).

Partner relationships have additional layers of intimacy, sexual and non sexual. Although some deeply loving intimate partner relationships are non-sexual as well, so I want to acknowledge that also.

But absolutely no relationship survives or even really takes off unless connection and the bonding rituals of friendship (laughter, conversation, non judgmental sharing, learning about each other's lives, likes and dislikes, life experience, values) are present.

So what does this mean for you?

Let a man/more privileged person earn your friendship through consistent respect, compassion and reciprocity, like let him/them earn the privilege of loving you romantically.

As the man or more privileged party, it is their duty to unpack their privilege and FIRST demonstrate the qualities of friendship and love to you before expecting you to labour for them.

Here I am not saying you should be purposely cold or distant or strategic, just be aware of how much evidence you have of friendship before opening up your heart. And let the guy (if it's a guy) demonstrate friendship -secure relating skills and investment more actively first due to the in built power imbalance.

Stay observant, open and curious.

You are not doing "friend" stuff for a guy/person you've only been dating briefly not because that 'kills attraction' (that's unproven inaccurate patriarchal nonsense), but because you have no reason to believe he/they are friend material. You need time and observation to decide that.

And if he/they aren't solid enough for friendship, trust they won't become a good partner to you. He/They won't be able to handle the responsibilities and complexities of romantic love and partner relationships, broadly.

While it's great to be communicative, honest and warm, in ways that feel good to you, avoid the trap of dispensing friend duties in dating, when men/more privileged folks haven't worked towards your friendship.

This is even more important to remember for fat and/or darker skinned women/nonmen, because we are often marked to provide this kind of labour under the pretense of romance.