triggers and personal responsibility: The answer is so not what you think.

Folks, when it is said we are responsible for (our responses to) our triggers it means:

1) We are responsible for understanding what causes our past trauma to intrude upon our present and how this happens so we are more resourced to navigate triggered states, which requires professional support.

2) We are responsible for communicating our emotions and needs, best practiced when we are feeling regulated so we can attune and communicate easier, but it also helps to learn to ask for what we need when we are triggered and folks get to respond consensually in ways they are able.

2) Safely navigating triggers so we are resourced to slow down the experience (soothing and grounding help) and move through it with more compassionate awareness for ourselves and also take other folks' safety into account.

this can include taking space, a short walk or calming breathwork and pausing before communicating so we create a choice point from which to speak/act in ways congruent with who we are and don't perpetuate harm.

3)Seeking the support of a healthcare team including a trauma informed therapist to treat our trauma (and this is also a community-based task as not everyone can access this support, so how can we as a society make the world less traumatic for folks and make trauma informed clinical and community-based care more accessible, and in the meantime, what agreements can we have in place so traumatized folks and folks offering care are both safe?)

4) In short, knowing and communicating what our triggers are, learning how we will navigate them with greater compassion and safety as described, and what support would look like for us when triggered, so our partners/loved ones/ community can move with care. We discover this through emotional attunement and being heard.

What it doesn't mean:

1) You should deal with your triggers all by yourself and not bother a partner with them as though being triggered were a mistake.

This is the adult equivalent of expecting kids to cry themselves to sleep or go manage their emotions all by themselves away from us.

2) You should keep it to yourself if a partner does something that triggers you.

3) You should deal with conflict or charged conversations or triggering situations on your partner's whim without communicating your own emotional, psychological and physical safety needs whether or not triggers are involved.

4) You should not even expect to receive co-regulation and interactive support from partners and loved ones.

Here, Co-regulation is how our nervous systems interact with one another and influence one another. Co-dysregulation can take place when partners reactions (often flight/fight/freeze) take each other further away from emotional stability.

When I speak of co-regulation, I mean when we, through warmth and responsive listening, through acknowledging distress or concerns, help a person stay with their inner experience and ride the ebbs and flows of it with compassion and feeling understood and supported.

Offering soothing can be a part of this but co-regulation is more than just soothing. It doesn't just help soothe but also helps folks attune to their own inner experience, which helps develop their own emotional capacity and self-regulation skills.

Keep in mind co-regulation isn't about losing ourselves or our needs or making ourselves responsible for others' feelings or healing. We need to be aware of and communicate our boundaries. If we are not feeling capacitated to provide co-regulation, we absolutely get to name and respect that.

It also requires that we stay attuned to how we are feeling, tracking what's going on with our own feelings, thoughts and sensations. So we also prioritize our own safety and well being in the process, which can mean seeking external support if needed.

So when a date or partner tells you "your triggers are your own responsibility", be very careful and ask them what they mean.

Relationships are partnerships. What affects one person should be significant to the other person/people.

There are many people out there who feel like seeking support when you're triggered is an attack on their autonomy and that's a toxic patriarchal trauma-unaware perspective that causes a lot of harm in dating and relationships.