what to do if you’re stuck in the pursuer-chaser dynamic in relationships or dating

Let's start with my potentially controversial, and research based, opinion on the dreaded (and common) pursuer-distancer dynamic.

I'll start with a quote:

""In her study of 1,400 divorced individuals over 30 years, E. Mavis Hetherington found that couples who were stuck in this [pursuer-distancer] mode were at the highest risk for divorce. Researcher Dr. John Gottman also noted that this destructive pattern is an extremely common cause of divorce. He claims that if left unresolved, the pursuer-distancer pattern will continue into a second marriage and subsequent intimate relationships.""

1) In Gottman research as well as other studies, this dynamic was shown to be rather common in divorced couples. Since the pursuer tends to be the more invested party who desires to fix this pattern, according to the Gottmans and Harriet Lerner’s work, the first step is for the Pursuer to drop the pursuit.

Distancing partners will withdraw and retreat further as long as the Pursuing partner is seeking and pushing for a level of closeness, engagement and reassurance the Distancing partner doesn’t feel equipped to provide.

Unsurprisingly, in my completely unofficial personal research and observation on various divorce/break up based healing groups and heartbreak recovery clientele, a lot of women/nonmen (also cishet men but the systemic issues are different with them) reported being in the pursuer role with folks who were less invested and distancing.

Sometimes the pursuer can take a more passive role as well, with folks allowing for a lot of boundary violations and unmet needs to keep a relationship, while waiting on commitment via people-pleasing.

Whether the pursuit and subsequent protest is more aggressive or passive, the pursuer-distancer dynamic erodes trust and security over time as criticism and contempt set in.

These relationships often devolve into deeper intimacy avoidance and emotional absenteeism, eventually ending painfully.

This dynamic usually gets worse after marriage and in long term relationships and will continue in future relationships, unless addressed.

Also in my experience, many women/nonmen would talk about encountering the exact same dynamics in marriages, like partners (often men) not responding to texts or not initiating emotionally vulnerable or intimate conversations or being responsive when nonmen/women did so, as they had in dating.

This is why I am so staunchly against the "get him around to giving you the ring" coaching. It is grossly unethical and it sets women/nonmen up for disastrous relationships, even though these coaches are getting to up their engagement and weddings counts.

The other iteration I came across A LOT was women/femmes/nonmen who were *heavily* pursued by men, more like bamboozled by commitment-averse men who nevertheless felt it was time for them to "settle down", who became emotionally unavailable after engagement/marriage/in long term relationships.

It's why I have repeatedly emphasized, gently and firmly, even when it has angered a lot of monogamous folks that marriages/engagement don't have a damn thing to do with commitment.

Secure functioning relationships aren't grounded in the structure of monogamy itself, though in a world where monogamy is the norm and legally enforced, it does come with some legal structural, financial benefits. It can also create a false sense of security as folks associate exclusivity with commitment itself.

Secure functioning relationships are grounded in secure attachment skills and intentionally cultivated intimacy, interdependence, vulnerability, healthy trust, respect, care and commitment (to oneself, one another plus any other partners depending on the nature of the relationship, and to the healthy functioning of the relationship(s)).

This requires that involved parties have both feet in and be equitably invested in the connection. The opposite of this is conditional commitment, where one person has a foot out.

So if you are a person with significant attachment trauma, which unfortunately is many of us because of familial and systemic reasons like oppression, my recommendation is to avoid this dynamic altogether rather than trying to "fix it" (often by yourself) repeatedly with a person who isn't invested at the level you are and is unable to meet your needs.

This is true even for folks who may be more avoidant and have a higher need for space.

When I say space I mean your personal space and capacity for closeness that may be mutually fulfilling to another partner with different needs, not space as a distancing strategy to avoid intimacy.

2) This dynamic, however, can be resolved only and only if you and the involved partner(s) are committed to developing a secure functioning relationship and acting on that commitment consistently, even if you are an anxious-avoidant pairing (or on that spectrum).

And that is never going to be about you "fixing" things, coaching them, playing therapist, ignoring your own needs, priorities and life by making them your focus (a hallmark of codependent relating), waiting on them, spending thousands on get the ring coaches who'll brag about you going into credit card debt (I quote) to get the damn ring, manipulating, pushing and guilt tripping another person or assuming you are more healed and evolved than a more avoidant partner and vice versa.

More balance can be brought into a relationship that developed into a pursuer-chaser dynamic if the following are present:

1) Both/all parties are working on healing their own intimacy wounds in therapy individually, as a couple, and, if accessible, with additional support from a trauma informed coach.

and

2) If everyone involved gives mutual consent to co-creating healthy, loving relationship(s) together, followed with individual work and work done in partnership to become more emotionally available, attuned and skilled at conflict repair, self-regulation, co-regulation and seeking support.

If one person is more invested or has one foot out, it is best to dissolve the relationship so you can move in a more loving, gratifying direction.

This process takes vulnerability, work and compassion.

3) Anxiously attached folks committing to better understanding the avoidant partner’s need for space and emotional distancing under stress, not pushing for engagement and conflict resolution nonconsensually or people pleasing via conflict avoidance and adapting to emotional distancing without complaint.

Anxiously attached folks who often tend to pursue more benefit from turning attention inwards instead, getting to know and communicate their feelings, needs, vulnerabilities without blame and without nonconsensual attempts at connection that don’t take their partners’ capacity into account.

They also benefit from respecting the distancing partner’s need for space by giving them more time to process their feelings before engaging or responding, as well as understanding this need for space and time is how their partners have learned to take care of themselves, often in environments where care was either inaccessible or intrusively offered.

This can help Pursuers take these differences less personally. Compassionately observing, witnessing and navigating some of their relationship anxiety, through self-regulation and soothing, as well as receiving support for treating attachment wounding, with the help of a therapist, therapeutic tools and practices, besides developing support systems outside their relationship also helps shifts dynamics positive.

When the pursuing party develops an ecosystem of care that values their autonomy and their human needs for connection, belonging and support, without defaulting to relying only or disproportionately on the partner to feel secure and emotionally fulfilled, they are able to experience healthy interdependence and intimacy in their relationships.

4) Avoidant leaning folks who are usually the Distancers would benefit from learning how to self-regulate and soothe themselves under professional or relationship stress without defaulting to switching off and disconnecting from their relationship for long stretches. What are some ways you can self-regulate and take care of yourself while remaining connected to your partner, at times? Perhaps, you may want to engage in parallel play and spend some together doing your thing while in the same room. This may help your partner feel like you are more accessible and engaged than you would be if you distanced yourself for long periods or defaulted to withdrawing from the relationship every time you were stressed or overwhelmed.

For more on this, keep an eye out for my upcoming post for Avoidant leaning folks and relationship fulfillment.

Distancers also benefit from de-shaming their partners’ attempts at connection and receiving them with more compassion and curiosity, rather than judgments about their sensitivity or needs. It can help them to understand the pursuing partners often received inconsistent care and adapted by persistently seeking connection, reassurance and engagement to soothe themselves and have their attachment needs met.

They didn’t always grew up in environments where they were allowed to differentiate, develop their own sense of high esteem, agency and autonomy, so your self-reliance may attract and scare them at the same time as their nervous systems tend to scan the environment more for threats of abandonment or disconnection than signs of connection, intimacy and belonging.

Holding their experience and attachment strategy with compassion, while being firm on your boundaries, so you are not complying with unhealthy or controlling forms of proximity seeking, are both important.

It may also help you to regularly schedule in time you are going to spend with them, with their input, and also let them know when you will be needing time to recharge and when you’d be returning or engaging more intimately. When they feel you are accessible and responsive, they will feel more secure as well.

Similarly, it’s going to be important for you to understand that withdrawing and distancing aren’t the same as self-attunement. You may still be disconnected from your feelings, emotions, needs and desires, which makes vulnerability and intimacy difficult.

It would help you to engage in contemplative or somatic practices, often a mix, that help you notice and communicate what you are feeling, thinking, sensing and need from a relationship to feel secure and fulfilled, then taking the responsibility to communicate this to your partner.

Regardless of attachment strategies, it takes a non-judgmental approach for all parties, where you don't shame yourself or your partner(s) for your needs, vulnerabilities and longings.

Note:

It doesn't mean you and your partners need to have the same attachment style or one or both/more be securely attached.

It also doesn't mean all it's going to take for you is to date and build a relationship with a securely attached person/people. That is a huge myth I've discussed in the past. A lot of people are assuming simply dating securely attached folks will resolve their relationship issues. And it's not it.

We are all responsible for our own healing and collectively responsible to each other and our relationships.

Focusing only on dating more secure people will not create secure functioning relationships long term, even if you may benefit from their skills, attunement and supportiveness and have more ease and flexibility in the relationship (all of which is significant) starting early.

It's also necessary for us to be supported in healing our own wounding and growing in our own relational skills.

As you reflect on this, don't forget you deserve compassion, attunement, reliability, consistency and mutually respectful, equitable relationships, regardless of a partner's attachment style or history.

And even more secure folks will need to continue to invest in their growth and so will you.

A reminder that attachment styles are not static and more secure folks can also develop insecure attachment when in unhealthy relationships.

In short, this means all folks have to be invested in their own healing and committed to the healthy functioning of the relationship.

If you are with someone who is unsure if they/he even want this, you are better off leaving this dynamic altogether because it is unlikely to magically change after a wedding or whatever deeper level of commitment you desire if you ever receive it i.e.

If you are with someone who refuses to invest in their healing and the relationship, is critical, pushy or distant, emotionally absent, stonewalling, defensive, disengaged and believes there is nothing wrong, leaving will save you years of shattering heartbreak. I am fully with Dr. Stan Tatkin on this one.

There are avoidant folks who are willing to meet you mid-way, while prioritizing their needs and yours, and those who look down on vulnerability and emotional connection to the point of responding contemptuously and critically to the same, which is a red flag,

5) I also agree with Dr. Tatkin and Dr. Amir Levine that as our attachment wounds heal and we develop more secure attachment (earned secure attachment for a lot of us), we are more likely to walk away from such an imbalanced dynamic early.

This includes the pursuer-distancer situation (where you don't have the consensual active buy in of all parties to work on things and seeing consistent progress).

As my own secure attachment skills have grown and my own attachment wounds continue to heal, I am not at all interested in any type of dynamic where emotional availability is an elusive goal and I am having to "work for" or "wait on" my basic emotional needs being fulfilled.

I see this growth with clients as well. I am also personally becoming more attuned to skills gaps in relationships, and if a person (particularly a cisman) is not at a place where they can meet me at my level of compassionate attunement, conflict repair and intimacy readiness, I am just too damn old for it and don't feel fulfilled or intuitively aligned to engage.

I will choose a more compatible aligned date/partners. And it has always benefited me.

I will coach folks and share what I know, but I will never tell you what you should do in your relationships.

It's why I have created this detailed post as a resource to guide folks in their own assessment of the dynamic they are in and determine to what extent it is workable, and if not, what else they can explore.

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If you are interested in learning how I can support you build deeply secure, loving and abundant relationships long term, using my fully research based, nervous system supportive and trauma informed modalities, send me a DM to learn more.

I offer fully personalized high impact transformational private coaching to women/femmes/nonmen and BIMOC.

And I am looking forward to hearing from folks who are motivated to start experiencing their most rewarding, compatible and fulfilling dating and relationships starting this year.